Sunday, August 13, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 597

Sunday, August 13, 2017--- 864 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 54 Seconds. 
(A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrongnever in doubt.
If you want this in a different languagemove to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
Tom Baldrica: Minnesota Correspondent.
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Rave: Ben Johnson.
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Reading: “The Lost Ones” by Ace Atkins.
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On the Hi Fi: “London Warsaw New York” by Basia.
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Under Rated: Sam Elliot.
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Raise Your hand: If you remember the time baseball teams used to wear stirrups instead of pants that go right to their spikes.
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Numbers Game: 94% of hotel guest leave with the shampoo, 88% with the soap, 81% with the pad of paper, 81% get the pen. In a galaxy far, far away, I’ll wager nearly 100% took off with the ashtray.
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Food For Thought: The busiest Domino's Pizza location in the world is the one right outside the Marine Base Camp Lejeune in North Carolina.
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Rant: Fantasy has replaced reality in today’s baseballwhy?---because the “game has changed” according the geniuses who have a predetermined game plan and fail to adjust it according the shifting tides of battle.
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Doctors Orders: The reason doctors wear blue or green scrubs is because those are on the opposite side of the color wheel from red and pink, making  those colors clearer during surgery.
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Another Rant: The national Pastime has become the National Past Bed Time, and not just for kids. And that sucks.
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Yet Another Rant: Baseballdoomed to become the Slowest Show on Earth.
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Number One With A Bullet: The first Medicare Card was issued to Harry Truman.
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Quote: From Columnist Norman Chad, “Watching baseball these days is like putting a pot of water on medium heat and waiting for it to boil.” I agree.
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Inscrutable: Howard Johnson hotels are a luxury brand in China . . . they're all four or five star hotels.
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Ask For Directions: Hawaii is the southernmost state in the USA.
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Hmmm: When did every sport become year round?
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You Know You’re Old: When you know the answer, but no one asks the question.
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This Stinks: The MLB Network highlights always feature bat flipping, home run posing and other displays of showboating that have made The Game a haven for the excessively immodest.
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This Will Be On The Final: President Zachary Taylor coined the term "First Lady" while speaking at Dolley Madison's funeral.
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More Or Less: The most used letters in written English: E, T, A, O and N. The least used: Q, Z, K, X and J.
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You Make the Call: You know we’re officially living in strange times with the news that major-league teams will wear nickname jerseys on the weekend of Aug. 25-27 in an attempt to appeal to a younger audience.
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Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention: Can openers were invented in 1858, 48 years after cans.
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Truism: The circus never leaves town.
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Averaging It Out: Never attempt to cross a river because it has an average depth of four feet.
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Name game: Dunkin’ Donuts is thinking of dumping “Donuts from its name.
Test market is Pasadena. If they decide to make the change, how would you like to have the contract to supply the new signs?
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Just Do It: Not doing more than average is what keeps the average down.
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Quote: “I believe there is far more proof of God’s existence than the is of, say Nancy Pelosi’s.”---Burt Prelutsky.
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All Of The Above: Rita Moreno is the only woman to win a Grammy, an Oscar, an Emmy and a Tony.
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How About That, Sports Fans: Stephen Curry had a 74 in his professional golf debut.
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Add It Up: It takes a bit over 4,000 beans to make a pound of coffee. How much for decaf?
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Passing Fancy: Not one of the six quarterbacks taken ahead of Tom Brady in the 2000 draft has thrown a pass in the NFL since 2011.
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Factoid: India Ink was invented in China.
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Sports for $1,000, Alex: One of the games in the 1948 World Series between the Boston Braves and Cleveland Indians took one hour and 31 minutes, and the average time in the six-game series was two hours.
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Where Or When: Jordan Almonds actually come from Spain.
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Tick Tock: Remember when 40 was supposed to be old?
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Imagine That: IBM’s original floppy discs were eight inches in diameter.
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Final Thought: The majority of talking heads on MSESPN sound like a man doing an imitation of Ted Baxterand barely speak discernable English.
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Bonus Track: Rod Stewart is the poster child for rockers growing old gracefullyadd Glenn Frey to that list.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.



Tuesday, August 08, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 596

Tuesday, August 08, 2017--- 1055 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 54 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Kurt Russell.
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Reading: “Naked Prey” by John Sandford.
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On the Hi Fi: “Thanks for the Memories” by Rod Stewart.
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Under Rated: Jeff Bridges.
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Garg’s Law: Do not forward anything you’ve received online without verifying it yourself.
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Power Steering: Self-driving cars? Cars with drivers are bad enough.
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Quote: “Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.” -- Philip K. Dick.
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Breakfast of Champions: The first commercial jingle was in a Wheaties radio ad in 1926
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English 101: “Whether” implies “or not.”
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Geography 101: Philadelphia Cream Cheese was actually created in Chester, New York.
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Rim Shot: Bill Lear, the guy who invented Lear Jet, also invented the eight-track tape player.  But more importantly, one of his daughters was named Crystal Shanda…Crystal Shanda Lear. True story!
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Over-rated: Tiger Woods is 1,005th in the official World Golf Rankings.
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This Will Be On The Final: During the 1960s "Batman" TV series, Robin said 367 different things after the word "Holy!" in his catchphrase.  They include "Holy armadillo!" . . . "Holy hamburger!" . . . "Holy grammar!" . . . and "Holy unrefillable prescriptions!"
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Picture This: Clint Eastwood, Burt Reynolds, Adam West, and Liam Neeson were all offered the role of James Bond but turned it down.
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Didjaknow: Because there's a toy in every Happy Meal, McDonald's is the world's largest distributor of toys.  On a similar note, the largest producer of tires in the world is . . . Lego.
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On Moonlight Bay:  The next time there will be a full moon on Friday the 13th is in August of 2049.
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Setting the Bar: Take Chris Sale off the Red Sox and it would be a long summer for the Fenway faithful.
Sox manager John Farrell always attempts to make pitching more complicated than nuclear energy.
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Rant: Bud Selig’s Hall of Fame plaque “should have depicted him looking the other way.”
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Another Rant: The morons who leave their wet towels all over the locker room at the YMCA.
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Yet Another Rant: The mental defectives who leave their shopping carts all over the parking lot.
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An Additional Rant: The asshats who abuse the “10 items or fewer” aisle.
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Perhaps the Final Rant: The losers who leave the cream and sugar bar at Starbucks a complete mess.
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Geography Lesson: Nebraska is the only "triple landlocked" state . . . that means it doesn't touch water, the states bordering it don't touch an water, and the states bordering them don't touch an water.
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For the Record: The only result that is guaranteed is that if you do nothing, nothing will happen.
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But Who’s Counting: The most common answer on "Jeopardy" is "What is China?"  From 1984 through 2012, that was the correct answer for 216 questions.
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When It Was A Game:  In 1974, 28 percent of MLB games included a pitched complete game. This season the rate is .01 percent.
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Best Stock Ticker Symbol: FIZZ for National Beverage.
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Rhetorical Question: Why would anyone with an active sense of right from wrong spend a dime to watch a pair of relentless misanthropes {Floyd Mayweather and Conor McGregor} fight? Where, pray tell, is the rooting interest?
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Dollars and Sense: FedEx almost went under back in the '70s in their early years . . . they only had $5,000 in the bank and needed to pay off $24,000.  They're still around because the founder took the last $5,000 to Vegas, gambled it on blackjack, and won $27,000.
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Imagine That: Too bad the people who think they know how to run this country are too busy playing their guitars to do so.
Shut up and sing!
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Numbers Game: If you're in a room with 70 people, statistically there's a 99.9% chance at least two of them will have the same birthday.  And if you're in a room with just 23 people, there's a 50% chance two of them will have the same birthday.
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In a Galaxy Far, Far Away: It has been 14 years since an American man won a major singles title.
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Didjaknow: A blue moon occurs every 2 ½ to 3 years, but can never appear in February.
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Random Thought: It is a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice.”
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What the Hell, One More Rant: New movies based on old TV shows drive me crazy.
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Can’t help Myself, Another Rant: Same with kid shows based on action-figure toys or video games.
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Ceaseless Ranting: Colorized movies are an entertainment low point.
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English 101: “Hopefully” is one of the most misused words in the English language.
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Alphabet Soup: Washington, D.C. streets are named alphabetically, but there is no “J” Street.
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The Silver Screen: The first motion picture released in CinemaScope was “The Robe.”
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Movies and Music: The first movie soundtrack released was for “The Jungle Book.”
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Repeat Performance: The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde has been adapted to the screen more than two dozen times.
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Dancing with the Stars: The only Oscar Ginger Rogers won was for “Kitty Foyle”, a non-dancing role without Fred Astaire.
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Cowboys and Indians: Jeff Chandler played Cochise in three different flicks.
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Book It: John “Bet-a-Million” Gates sold the first barbed wire in Texas and founded Texaco.
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Cast Against Type: Of the seven actors who portrayed the great Chinese detective, Charlie Chan, not one was Chinese.
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Ever Wonder: How fans enjoyed Babe Ruth without knowing the launch angle and exit velocity of his home runs?
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Truism: Life deals the cards face down.
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Kid’s Stuff: Look up “dumb” in the dictionary and the phrase “summer movies” stares back at you.
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Final Thought: As far as I can see, IQ-Tests measure is one’s ability to do well on IQ-Tests.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.



Friday, July 14, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 595

Friday, July 14, 2017--- 972 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 15 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001. 
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas.  
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Alfred Hitchcock.
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Reading: Robert B. Parker’s second Spenser novel, “God Save the Child” (1974).
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On the Hi Fi: “The Very Best of The Manhattan Transfer.” 
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Under Rated: William Bendix.
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Quote: “ Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.” -- Lillian Hellman.
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First Serve: For my money, Wimbledon is the ultimate tennis tournament. I think the players should wear white in all tournaments.
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TV Time Out: Tennis has the finest team of announcers and commentators. They are so excellent, even MSESPN cannot screw them up. John McEnroe and Chris Evert are my particular favorites.
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TV Time Out II: My favorite camera angle is the ground level from behind the player receiving serve. Makes you wonder how any first serve is returned.
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Bottom Line: The $2.8 million check for the men’s and women’s singles champs is double what it was in 2011. 
In 1980, the champion, Bjorn Borg took home $25,000.00.
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Just my type: The exclamation point didn't become a standard key on the keyboard until 1970.
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United Airlines is about to unveil the world’s longest flight, 8,700 miles from L.A. to Singapore — nearly 18 hours.
To help pass all that airtime, the in-flight movie will be replays of three Yankees-Red Sox games.
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Hmmm: Am I the only one who finds it a bit odd that the College World Series does not end until six weeks after the schools let out for the summer?
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It’s a Fact, Jack: A spotted animal can have a striped tail, but a striped animal can never have a spotted tail.
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Shocking: Benjamin Harrison was elected president in 1888, and was the first U.S. president to have electricity in the White House . . . but he never touched the light switches because he was afraid of getting electrocuted.
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Plus Shipping and Handling: The only advice worth listening to is the advice you ask for.
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Pretty Woman: There are more beautiful women in the world than there are decent men.  
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Word Games: There was a real man named Boycott who became a verb (and noun) in English (and other languages.
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Just Between Us: No man ever dreams about becoming the financial solution for a woman.
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Useless Magpies: Why do the MSESPN announcers think that they know more about the game than the players on the field? Especially true for the vile Sunday Night Baseball troika. 
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Bad TV: I do not need to be told the launch angle of a home run to enjoy the sight of a ball reaching the bleachers.
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Spelling Bee: The plural of vinyl is vinyl. 
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Brilliant Quote: From the Wall Street Journal’s Jason Gay, “Aging is undefeated. It gets everyone, even legends.”
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No Such Thing As A Free Lunch: “Like the saying goes, if you're not paying for the product, you are the product.”---Bob Hoffman, The Ad Contrarian.
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Leemans' Law: “Junk expands to fill the space allotted.”-- Ron Leemans
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Humble Beginnings: The first-ever comic book convention was in New York in 1964.  And the very first person to buy a ticket was . . . 15-year-old George R.R. Martin, the author of the "Game of Thrones" books.
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The Archetypal Little League Parent: Lonzo Ball’s father, LaVar Ball. It’s no contest.
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Time Is of the Essence: Four-hour baseball game? Really? If you went to a four-hour movie, you would wind up throwing things at the screen.
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Reality Check: How many passwords is someone supposed to have in one lifetime?
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The Name of the Game: Bluetooth is named after a 10th century Scandinavian king, Harald Bluetooth.  He united Danish tribes into one kingdom.  When Bluetooth technology was invented, they picked the name because it unified the way machines communicated.
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And the Band Played On: I miss those summer days when I could actually find a song on the radio I wanted to listen to.
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Common senselessness: Most of what MSESPN scrolls as pertinent info remains junk you would not repeat unless you wanted to be elected Village Idiot.
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Time Flies: So tell me Mr. and Mrs. Baseball Fan, what should we be doing with all that time being freed up for us by MLB’s automatic intentional walk rule?
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Number Please: There are 12 U.S. states that only have one area code:  Alaska, Delaware, Hawaii, Idaho, Maine, Montana, New Hampshire, North Dakota, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Vermont, and Wyoming.
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Looking Ahead: This week, the father of a player who will be on the next Rays’ championship team will be born.
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Quote: “Talent sets the floor.”—Bill Belichick.
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New Coke Stupid: Kanye West and the Kardashians deserve each other.
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Picture This: There were such low expectations for "Star Wars" that it was only on 42 screens nationwide for its opening weekend.
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True or False: In a better baseball world there would be a limit on relief pitchers.
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Many Too Many: The MLB All Star Game roster are so large, the selection process has turned into the big-league equivalent of  a participation trophy.
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Final Thought: Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran. 
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.

Sunday, June 04, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 594

Sunday, June 04, 2017--- 883 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 49 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Les Brown.
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Reading: Stephen Hunter’s exceptional “G-Man.”
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On the Hi Fi: “Stepping Out of a Dream” by Nat King Cole.
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Under Rated: Johnny Mercer.
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Rave: The “Carolina Shag” channel on XM. Songs you have never heard by unfamiliar artists…yet you can sing along almost immediately.
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Your Serve: I am glad we still have Roger Federer.
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Quote from Bob Hoffman (The Ad Contrarian): “One thought about virtual reality -- isn't actual reality bad enough?”
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TV Timeout: There will be season five for “The Blacklist.”
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My Take: Cheating at solitaire…a victimless and pointless crime.
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Joyless Discoveries: Locking your keys in the car and learning that your spare is flat.
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Ever Wonder: Why the professor on “Gilligan’s Island” could build a radio out of coconuts, but not a decent boat.
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Let’s Go to the Video: Technically, Mr. Met cannot flip the middle finger…he has but four fingers.
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I’m Outta Here: Watching (or attempting to) MLB has become insufferably tedious.
My top three pet peeves: Too much commercial time…wearisome replays…and the “by the book” managers who do not believe what they see and have no baseball instincts.
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Step On It: Standing up after your foot has fallen asleep is next to impossible.
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Not Fun: Misplacing the remote.
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Hmmm: Where did the expression "laundry list" come from? Who needs a list for their laundry?
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Highway Robbery: Why is daylight always "broad"? Has no one ever been robbed in "narrow" daylight?
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You Know You’re Old: If you can remember when movies had ushers.
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Rant: Why do so many of today’s MLB players consider running hard to first optional?
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Jump Ball: The idiot sports talkers limit the mind-numbing debate over who is the greatest basketball player to Michael Jordan and LeBron James.
If championships mean anything, then Bill Russell’s eleven for the Celtics gets my vote.
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For What It’s Worth: I'll bet you have at least one gift certificate sitting in a drawer someplace that is at least five years old.
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Quote: "At gambling, the deadly sin is to mistake bad play for bad luck."—Casino Royale, 1953, Ian Fleming.
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Hmmm: I have no recollection of Russia influencing my vote.
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Twinkle, Twinkle: The 22 stars surrounding the Paramount Pictures logo represent the 22 movie stars they originally signed in 1916.
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Sand Through the Hourglass: With baseball games currently taking a tediously three and half hours or more…it is worth remembering that Game 7 of the 1960 World Series (the Mazeroski homer game) was played in a nifty 2:36.
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Oh Canada: The last time a Canadian team won the NHL Stanley Cup was 1993.
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Truism: You never forget not getting a thank you note for a gift.
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Didjaknow:  Daniel Webster turned down the offer to be vice president twice in the 1800s, because he only wanted to be president.  The offers came from William Henry Harrison and Zachary Taylor . . . both died in office.
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Reality Check: No matter what the airport video monitors say, you are never confident you are waiting at the right luggage carousel until you see a person from the same flight standing there with you.
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Progress Report: Does anyone know if they are getting any closer to locating the murders of OJ’s ex-wife?
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Factoid: Nintendo named Mario after the landlord of their first warehouse, Mario Segale.  It was a way to get an extension on paying rent.
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It’s a Fact, Jack: The North and South Poles do not officially have time zones.  In the North Pole, each research station uses the time from its home country. 
In the South they use the New Zealand time zone since the majority of people fly in from there.
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Spelling Bee: Graffiti is plural.  The singular form of the word is graffito
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Quote: “The cynics are right nine times out of ten.” -- Henry Louis Mencken.
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But Who’s Counting: One pound of dimes and one pound of quarters are worth the same amount.  Two hundred dimes weigh one pound and are worth $20 . . . 80 quarters weigh one pound and are worth $20.
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Putting It Altogether: Ikea started as a mail-order business that sold pencils and postcards.
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Wait, I’m Not Done Yet: When was the last time it was easy to locate the start of a roll of tape?
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Idle Thought: It appears that Phil Jackson is looking forward to the Knicks’ 24th consecutive rebuilding season.
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Final Thought: The people who have figured out how to beat the welfare and unemployment systems are mostly those who do not deserve it.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.