Saturday, December 02, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 600

Saturday, December 02, 2017--- 942 Words---Average
Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 7 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
Tom Baldrica: Minnesota Correspondent.
Carl Moesche: West Coast Correspondent.
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Rave: James Garner.
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Reading: “Infamous” by Ace Atkins.
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On the Hi Fi: “Bix Lives” by Bix Beiderbecke.
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Under Rated: Frank Morgan.
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Truism: You never forget not getting a thank you note for a gift.
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If You’re Scoring At Home (Or On The Road): Since Eli Manning became the starting QB for the Giants, the Cleveland Browns have started 24 quarterbacks and the Knicks have employed nine head coaches.
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Rant: 78 teams will play in the various bowl games…seems to me invitations to 6-6 teams is a participation trophy.
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Didjaknow: The average cloud weighs 1.1 million pounds.
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Post-Meal Analysis: The average Thanksgiving meal takes 18 hours to prepare and 12 minutes to eat.
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Quote: “Don't do whatever you like -- like whatever you do.” – Anon.
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Truism: The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago…second best time is now.
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Go Figure: Carrots were originally several colors, and the most common one was purple.  Dutch farmers in the 16th century bred red and yellow carrots to make orange ones, since it was their royal color . . . and those became the standard.
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Just Asking: When was the last time you used your Salad Shooter?
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Face Facts: Politics is show biz for ugly people.
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Business as Usual: When in doubt on the various scandals, the NCAA does what it does best…it forms a committee.
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You Make the Call: Why are Subway sandwiches piled high with meat…but only in the TV ads?
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Dollars and Sense: The first athlete to earn $1 million was bare-knuckle boxer, John L. Sullivan in 1882.
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No Kidding: Were it not for malls, where would 14 year olds go to smoke?
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What’s Next: Not having the traditional red, white and blue bunting draping the box seats during the World Series was a candy-assed move from MLB.
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For the Record: The bird in Twitter's logo has a name . . . Larry…as in Larry Bird. Twitter co-founder, Biz Stone, grew up in Massachusetts and was a huge Boston Celtics fan.
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The Double Whammy: Baltimore Orioles RHP Jack Fisher surrendered Ted Williams' 521st and final home run in 1960, as well as Roger Maris' 60th home run in 1961. The Williams homer was his final at bat.
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Truth In Advertising: Ad spotted in the Norway, Maine Advertiser Democrat: “Ears Pierced $7.95, While You Wait.”
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Challenge Yourself: Solve the crossword puzzle using only the Down clues.
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Who Knew?: When I was a kid I always said I would never badmouth the new music when I was an old timer…then came rap and hip-hop.
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Changing Times: 1968 AL Rookie of the Year was New York Yankees RHP Stan Bahnsen who finished 17-12. The only other player receiving votes was Washington Senators OF Del Unser who batted .230.
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Word Games:  "Ping pong" is trademarked by Parker Brothers.  The generic term you are supposed to use for the game is table tennis.
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Counting the Days: The dates 4/4, 6/6, 8/8, 10/10, and 12/12 all fall on the same day of the week, every year.
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Food For Thought: Basketball has a shot clock---pitchers should have one as well.
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Mensa meeting: Marilyn Monroe had an IQ of 163 . . . Albert Einstein's IQ was 160.
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Idle Thought: The easiest way to locate something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Department of Redundancy Department: Young rookies, plan ahead, advance reservations, anonymous stranger, very unique, LCD display, kneel down, foreign imports, evolve over time.
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Disney World is twice the size of Manhattan and roughly the same size as San Francisco.
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Inconsistent, Me Thinks: How can the federal government ask US citizens to repay college loans when illegal aliens are receiving a free education?
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Just Business: Japan has more 7-Elevens than any other country in the world…about 16,000 locations.  The USA has about half that.
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Rant: Colleges being referred to as “Nike” schools or “Adidas” schools should be embarrassed.
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Hold The Phone: There's enough energy in one gallon of gas to charge your iPhone once a day for almost 19 years.
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The New Normal: Another summer without a summer song. I guess they don’t make them any more.
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They Don’t Make Them Like They Used To: In 13 seasons, 631 receptions for 9,275 yards and 68 touchdowns, Raymond Berry fumbled exactly once. And, never once showed off.
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The Civilized Way To Travel: Amtrak started in 1971 . . . and has lost money all 46 years it's been in existence.
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Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: If Random House is paying Colin Kaepernick a million dollar advance, how much will they pay someone to write it for him…and then read it to him?
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Final Thought: Great coaches make teams better as the season progresses.
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Bonus Track: The Yankees were a lot more fun when “The Boss” was running the show.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.





Sunday, November 26, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 599

Sunday, November 26, 2017--- 1416 Words---Average Reading Time: 4 Minutes, 59 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
Tom Baldrica: Minnesota Correspondent.
Carl Moesche: West Coast Correspondent.
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Rave: Johnny Mercer.
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Reading: “End Game” by David Baldacci.
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On the Hi Fi: Nat King Cole’s “Stepping Out of a Dream.”
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Under Rated: Billy May. May arranged “Come Fly With Me,” Frank Sinatra’s first gold album in 1958.
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Ever Wonder: Why do the employees of the airline companies lie about why and how long the delays are going to be?
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Words To Live By: You do not have to do anything special…just do everything right.
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Hmmm: Is there always an SUV in your rearview mirror, or does it just seem that way?
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Fact: There is always an SUV parked next to you when you are attempting to emerge from a parking place.
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Helpful Hint: It is far easier to back into a parking spot than it is to back out. All the more important in the land of SUVs.
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You Make The Call: Isn’t it amazing that in America, our flag and our culture offend so many…but our benefits do not?
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Quote: “To quote Henny Youngman, take ESPN, which has taken political correctness to such a ludicrous level that it has voluntarily surrendered its credibility to become a national bad joke, a “Kick Me” sign self-fastened to its back and front.”—Phil Mushnick.
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One More Reason I Have Lost Interest In Baseball: From baseball cybergod Bill James: In 1987, there were 41 active players with 1,000 or more career plate appearances who had more walks than strikeouts. In 2017: one, Albert Pujols.
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Factoid: In 1969, Bradford Phillips patented the folding umbrella, the design most of us use today. Inventors looking to one-up it persist however. The U.S. Patent office receives so many patent applications for umbrellas; it must employ four full-time examiners to indefatigably evaluate them.
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Truism: It is easier to be a gracious winner than a gracious loser…learn to be both.
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Quote: “ A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.”—Anon.
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Idle Thought: Political correctness has more to do with indoctrination than education.
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Quote: “Last year, we could not win at home and we lost on the road. My failure as a coach was that I could not think of any other place to play.”—Former hockey coach Harry Neale.
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You Don’t Need A Weatherman: Why is it so difficult to locate a hurricane-tracking map until the cone puts the bull’s-eye squarely on the USA?
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Doctor’s Orders: Ask your doctor if medical advice from a TV commercial is right for you.
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American Exceptionalism: Not at the movies. Not this summer past.
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Keep the Change: Why does it take seven to ten business days for a refund to be credited to your account, but only minutes to take it out on any given day?
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For the Record: There are three kinds on economists…those who can count and those who cannot.
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Didjaknow: Pez dispensers were designed to look like cigarette lighters . . . because they were supposed to encourage people to stop smoking and have a mint instead.
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Book It: I long ago overdosed on the Beyonce and Jay-Z drama.
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Quote: “You’re never too old to learn something stupid.”—Anon.
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Didjaknow: The last shot of the Civil War was fired on June 28th, 1865 . . . almost two months after the war ended . . . off the coast of Alaska.  A Confederate warship hadn't gotten word the war was over and destroyed 24 Union boats.
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We Have a Winner: Before their opening game loss, the Patriots, at home, with Tom Brady at QB and leading after three quarters were 105-0.
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Reality Check: Life deals the cards face down.
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You Make the Call: If all seven billion people on the planet played in a single-elimination rock-paper-scissors tournament, you'd only need to win 33 games to become the champion.
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On Demand Stupidity: Just when you thought the sports channels could not shoot any lower, Fox hires Michael Vick as an analyst for their Sunday Kickoff Show.
The bar was lowered years ago when Ray Lewis was embraced by MSESPN…Lewis is now seen on Fox.
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Conspicuous Stupidity: Roger Goodell, commissioner of The National Felony League is a transparent, pandering phony.
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No Contest: A news conference with Goodell is like a date with Siri, only with less sincerity.
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Hmmm: Do clouds ever gaze down and say, “Hey look, that one is shaped just like an idiot.”
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Just Between Us: My kingdom for a song on the radio I can listen to.
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Bottom Line: You would think with all the ex-NFL stars out there, networks could find a proper analyst without a criminal past.
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Picture This: Will Fox Sports distribute publicity photos of their analysts with both front and side views?
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Winners and Losers: The 1916 New York Giants had both a 26-game winning streak and a 17-game winning streak, yet finished 4th in the National League.
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In the Lineup: Many players in the National Felony League should have the front and side views on their trading cards.
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Quote: From Kid Rock, “F*ck Colin Kaepernick.”
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Lights, Camera, Action: There is one actor besides Harrison Ford who was in all three of the original "Indiana Jones" movies.  A guy named Pat Roach was killed by the airplane propeller in "Raiders", a bad guy in "Temple of Doom", and a Nazi in "Last Crusade".
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Different Strokes: Basketball in North Korea has different rules.  Dunks are worth three points, shots in the final three minutes are worth eight points, three-pointers are worth four points if the ball doesn't touch the rim, and you LOSE a point for missing a free throw.
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As Time Goes By: There were over 61 million people using pagers in 1994.  That number is down over 90% to about five or six million today, mostly in hospitals.​
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This Will Be On The Final:  Play-Doh was originally created in the 1930s as wallpaper cleaner.
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But Who’s Counting?: The longest streak of sold out games in sports is for a minor league baseball team in Ohio called the Dayton Dragons.  They've sold out every game for the past 18 years, which is a total of more than 1,200 in a row.
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Cover Up:  If you took all the cardboard that Amazon uses for shipping boxes in a year, it could cover the entire United States around two-and-a-half times.
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Name Game: There are 76 colleges whose sports team nickname is the Eagles.  Tigers is the second-most common with 46 schools . . . and Bulldogs is third with 40.
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Never again: Joe Sewell had single digit strikeout totals for an entire season in 10 of his 14 years in the major leagues. 
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Wedded Bliss: According to an interview with Walt Disney in 1933, Mickey and Minnie Mouse are married.
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If You Are Scoring At Home: The Washington Generals lost to the Harlem Globetrotters 2,495 times in a row before they accidentally beat them on January 5, 1971.
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Unreliable Source: MSESPN has a well-known code of selective justice and injustice…one that would have us believe that inequality promotes equality.
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Top This: The 1906 Boston Beaneaters hold the Major League record by finishing 66.5 games behind the NL pennant-winning Chicago Cubs. Boston had four, 20-game losers, the only time this has happened in Major League history.
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Jolly Good: Big Ben isn't the name of the clock or the clock tower in England . . . it's just the name of one of the bells hanging in the tower.  The tower's name is Elizabeth Tower.
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Final Thought: Wednesday, August 30 was National Coloring Book Day…or as ii is known in the college jock factories, National Textbook Day.
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Bonus Track: Maine made it illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder in 1939.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.



Sunday, August 27, 2017

Curmudgeon In The Wry 598

Sunday, August 27, 2017--- 869 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 51 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
Tom Baldrica: Minnesota Correspondent.
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Rave: Dennis Morgan.
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Reading: “Sulfur Springs” by William Kent Krueger.
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On the Hi Fi: The Pied Pipers…”Whatcha Know Joe?”
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Under Rated: Jack Carson.
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On Demand Stupidity: My fondest hope in re the Mayweather-Conor McGregor freak show was the satisfying result of both losing.
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Guilt-Free Guilty Pleasure: I love the Carolina Shag channel on Sirius/XM. Sadly, goes off the airwaves after Labor Day. This is where the summer songs found a home…albeit briefly.
Lots of sax and falsetto…Jackie Wilson and Barbara Lewis (two of my all time favorites) were core artists…and, they played enough LaVern Baker to satisfy me.
They played songs you never heard before by artists you might not have recognized…yet you could sing along immediately.
Good job Sirius/XM…bravo!
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Quote: “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one
 wants, the other is getting it.” -- Oscar Wilde.
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Hats Off to Larry: If a Major League Baseball player catches a ball in his hat, the batter automatically gets a triple and anyone on base scores.
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Hmmm: Do clowns wear really big socks?
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Dollars and Sense: Mark Wahlberg is Hollywood’s highest paid actor…$68 million last year.
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Coincidence, I Think Not: The first-place Houston Astros (best record in the American League), are last in the league in striking out. Just shows that winning baseball is a contact sport.
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Sands Through the Hour Glass: The fantasy based bullpen maneuvers used by MLB’s managers are making a short story all together too long.
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Who Knew: Wi-Fi isn't short for Wireless Fidelity.  It's actually not short for anything.  The people who created it just liked that name because it rhymed with "hi-fi"
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Music Maestro: If there was a new summer song this year, it eluded me.
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Sports for $1,000 Alex: Nobody knew the name of the cat in Alice in Wonderland, asked in the last CITW…so no one won the $1,000.00.
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Quote: “A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.”-- Wilson Mizner.
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Capitalism 101: When buyers do not fall for prices, prices fall for buyers.
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The 1936 American Association champions Milwaukee Brewers (a Detroit Tigers farm team) had three; count em three, 19-game winners. No other pitching staff, either major league or minor league had three, 19-game winners in one season.
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Just Asking: How often have you burned the roof of your mouth with a hot pizza?
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Up In Smoke: Legal marijuana has been reported to be the fastest growing industry in the US. It outsold Girl Scout cookies last year and is on target to outsell ice cream in 2017. In North America, cannabis is projected by some to be a $20 billion business by 2020.
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No Brainer: The tiny spare tire in your trunk is one the worst ideas ever.
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But Seriously: The opposite of paranoia is called pronoia . . . the belief that everyone's involved in a secret conspiracy to help you.
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Skyway Robbery: It would be easier to sleep on an airplane if the pilot and crew stayed off the intercom with worthless information.
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Thin Crust to Go: An average of 350 slices of pizza are sold in the U.S. every second.
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Pop Quiz; What do all those buttons on the remote that you never use do?
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Go figure: The Magic 8-Ball failed when it first came out in the 1940s because it wasn't an 8-ball . . . it was just a regular ball called the Syco-Seer.  A billiards company in Cincinnati commissioned a line of them that looked like 8-balls and they took off.
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Truth in Advertising: How come TV Dinners look nothing like the picture on the box? Same with every product at Subway.
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Didjaknow: Ronald Reagan was ambidextrous.
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Geography 101: Philadelphia Cream Cheese is made in Chicago.
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Irony Alert/On Any Given Sunday: The new home stadium for the National Felons League’s Atlanta Falcons features a Chick-fil-A restaurant. Chick-fil-A will be closed for all seven of the home game played by the Falcons.
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Read All About It: Never judge a book by a movie of the same name.
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Keep the Change: If you drop Silly Putty from a high place, it doesn't bounce . . . it shatters.
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Final Thought: I seem to appreciate Elvis more and more as I age.
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Bonus Track: One day the MLB leader in holds will be given his outright release.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.





Sunday, August 13, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 597

Sunday, August 13, 2017--- 864 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 54 Seconds. 
(A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrongnever in doubt.
If you want this in a different languagemove to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
Tom Baldrica: Minnesota Correspondent.
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Rave: Ben Johnson.
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Reading: “The Lost Ones” by Ace Atkins.
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On the Hi Fi: “London Warsaw New York” by Basia.
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Under Rated: Sam Elliot.
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Raise Your hand: If you remember the time baseball teams used to wear stirrups instead of pants that go right to their spikes.
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Numbers Game: 94% of hotel guest leave with the shampoo, 88% with the soap, 81% with the pad of paper, 81% get the pen. In a galaxy far, far away, I’ll wager nearly 100% took off with the ashtray.
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Food For Thought: The busiest Domino's Pizza location in the world is the one right outside the Marine Base Camp Lejeune in North Carolina.
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Rant: Fantasy has replaced reality in today’s baseballwhy?---because the “game has changed” according the geniuses who have a predetermined game plan and fail to adjust it according the shifting tides of battle.
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Doctors Orders: The reason doctors wear blue or green scrubs is because those are on the opposite side of the color wheel from red and pink, making  those colors clearer during surgery.
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Another Rant: The national Pastime has become the National Past Bed Time, and not just for kids. And that sucks.
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Yet Another Rant: Baseballdoomed to become the Slowest Show on Earth.
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Number One With A Bullet: The first Medicare Card was issued to Harry Truman.
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Quote: From Columnist Norman Chad, “Watching baseball these days is like putting a pot of water on medium heat and waiting for it to boil.” I agree.
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Inscrutable: Howard Johnson hotels are a luxury brand in China . . . they're all four or five star hotels.
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Ask For Directions: Hawaii is the southernmost state in the USA.
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Hmmm: When did every sport become year round?
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You Know You’re Old: When you know the answer, but no one asks the question.
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This Stinks: The MLB Network highlights always feature bat flipping, home run posing and other displays of showboating that have made The Game a haven for the excessively immodest.
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This Will Be On The Final: President Zachary Taylor coined the term "First Lady" while speaking at Dolley Madison's funeral.
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More Or Less: The most used letters in written English: E, T, A, O and N. The least used: Q, Z, K, X and J.
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You Make the Call: You know we’re officially living in strange times with the news that major-league teams will wear nickname jerseys on the weekend of Aug. 25-27 in an attempt to appeal to a younger audience.
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Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention: Can openers were invented in 1858, 48 years after cans.
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Truism: The circus never leaves town.
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Averaging It Out: Never attempt to cross a river because it has an average depth of four feet.
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Name game: Dunkin’ Donuts is thinking of dumping “Donuts from its name.
Test market is Pasadena. If they decide to make the change, how would you like to have the contract to supply the new signs?
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Just Do It: Not doing more than average is what keeps the average down.
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Quote: “I believe there is far more proof of God’s existence than the is of, say Nancy Pelosi’s.”---Burt Prelutsky.
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All Of The Above: Rita Moreno is the only woman to win a Grammy, an Oscar, an Emmy and a Tony.
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How About That, Sports Fans: Stephen Curry had a 74 in his professional golf debut.
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Add It Up: It takes a bit over 4,000 beans to make a pound of coffee. How much for decaf?
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Passing Fancy: Not one of the six quarterbacks taken ahead of Tom Brady in the 2000 draft has thrown a pass in the NFL since 2011.
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Factoid: India Ink was invented in China.
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Sports for $1,000, Alex: One of the games in the 1948 World Series between the Boston Braves and Cleveland Indians took one hour and 31 minutes, and the average time in the six-game series was two hours.
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Where Or When: Jordan Almonds actually come from Spain.
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Tick Tock: Remember when 40 was supposed to be old?
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Imagine That: IBM’s original floppy discs were eight inches in diameter.
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Final Thought: The majority of talking heads on MSESPN sound like a man doing an imitation of Ted Baxterand barely speak discernable English.
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Bonus Track: Rod Stewart is the poster child for rockers growing old gracefullyadd Glenn Frey to that list.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.