Friday, February 24, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 591

Friday, February 24, 2017--- 887 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 2 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Ivanka.
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Reading: “One Strange Date” by Laurence Shames. Volume 12 in the Key West Capers series…I have read them all.
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On the Hi Fi:  “Time Out” by Dave Brubeck.
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Under Rated: Virginia Mayo.
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Just Between Us: I miss Al Capp.
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Quote: From former Providence Journal Columnist Gerry Goldstein on soccer, “If I want to watch a bunch of guys go 90 minutes without scoring, I’ll take some of my male friends to a singles bar.”
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No Surprise Here: Tiger Woods often withdraws when he is behind in a tournament, but never when ahead or in the hunt. He is such a putz.
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TV Time Out: Check out any of The Dick Van Dyke shows on You Tube, and tell me Laura Petrie isn’t more appealing than any female character on the tube today.
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For What It’s Worth: Father Time remains the greatest teacher.
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The Old College Try: In addition to the game on the court, other things I love about college basketball include: coaches wearing ties with school colors, crowd shots of moms and dads cheering and senior nights.
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You Know You’re Old: If you can remember when a radio station had a large enough air staff to field a softball team. Today, I doubt they could do that with the entire station.
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Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Program: I never knew who the Johnny Carson or Walter Cronkite types voted for, but I sure do today. It is not a plus.
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Food For Thought: I want to eat whatever Tom Brady eats.
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Quote: “Never assume the obvious is true.”—William Safire.
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Common Senselessness: When celebrities start to bore you, why do you blame yourself?
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Net Results: Roger Federer certainly has nothing more to prove. A classy champion. He never left!
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The Band Played On: The Super Bowl half time show has replaced Up with People with Down with Pants.
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100-0 and Counting: If the NCAA kept a stat for laughers, the UConn women would own that one as well.
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Occupational Hazard: The latest batch of Dos Equis ads do not have the same pop. The original Most Interesting Man in the World cannot be replaced.
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Numbers Game: The TV ratings for this year’s Pro Bowl were down for yet another year. That shows the good sense of the USA TV audience.
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Spelling Bee: There is no “we” in fries.
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Hmmm: When was the last time your bank did something good for you?
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Ahead of the Curve: How come the Asians in the USA do not need any help? Any visit to a college campus will answer the question. While others are whining, protesting and acting like asses, the Asian students are studying…while majoring in substantive disciplines.
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Full Disclosure: I can still fit into the socks I wore in college.
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Rant: A report says that, 180 million years from now, the pull of the moon’s gravity will make days on Earth 25 hours long.
And MLB games will be 6½ hours long.
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This spells trouble: The Australian Open featured a match between Anastasia Sergeyevna Pavlyuchenkova and Natalia Konstantinovna Vikhlyantseva. That’s a mouthful!
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Quote: Jim Barach of WCHS-TV in Charleston, W.Va., after ex-NBA player Stephen Jackson said he sometimes smoked pot before games: “Which was evident in his career game stats, where he averaged 15.1 points, 3.9 rebounds, 3.1 assists and 4.7 pizzas.”
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End of an Era: Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus closes after 146 years.
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If You Are Scoring At Home: Just two athletes have played in both a Final Four and a World Series…Tim Stoddard with NCSU and the Baltimore Orioles and Kenny Lofton with the University of Arizona and the Cleveland Indians.
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For the Record: The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
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Quote: “The journey of a thousand miles begins by going through a metal detector at the airport.”-- Bernie Lincicome.
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Beat Goes On: Beretta is the oldest manufacturing company in the world. I have owned a Beretta 950 for over 25 years…a .25 calibre pocket pistol that is easy to conceal.
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A group of former cheerleaders has filed a proposed class-action lawsuit against the NFL and 26 teams, alleging that management actively conspired to underpay them and keep them from negotiating better salaries.
The plaintiffs are reportedly seeking somewhere between two bits/four bits/six bits and 300 million dollars.
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Final Thought: Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.

As you were.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 590

Sunday, January 15, 2017--- 696 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 18 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.

Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Tucker Carlson.
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Reading: “Salvation Lake” by G.M. Ford.           
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On the Hi Fi:  “Night Hawk” by Coleman Hawkins.
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Under Rated: Tammy Bruce.
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Rant: No one knows what traveling is anymore in college basketball.
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Quote: “Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns.
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Hmmm: What does Santa do in the off-season?
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Band Played On: Try driving the speed limit around here on Interstate 4, and cars go by you like they are on a fast break.
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If You’re Scoring At Home: The Red Sox have won the offseason, parade next week.
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As Time Goes By: You never outgrow Christmas carols.
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Truism: Everything has a shelf life.
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No Big Surprise: The average TV viewership for the NFL’s four wildcard games was down seven points from a year ago…following in the footsteps of the regular season.
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My Three Favorite Italians: Dean Martin, Annette and Chris DeCarlo. Neil Cavuto and Maria Bartiromo round out my Top Five.
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Bad Medicine: The Greatest Generation fought and won WWII…today we have the gratingest generation (Millennials).
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Food For Thought: “Keeping Up With The Kardashians?” Who wants to?
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Ahead of the Curve: For the sake of America, Cubs general manager Theo Epstein should be in charge of something bigger than a baseball team.
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Instant Analysis: In this age of artificial intelligence, way too many of our schools and colleges are producing artificial stupidity.
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For What It’s Worth: Over 400 million people worldwide have ad blockers on their connected devices. This could be the largest boycott of anything in human history.
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Quote: From Charles Barkley, “We never get mad when black people kill each other. You can’t demand respect from white people and the cops if we don’t respect each other.”
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There are already driverless cars on our roads today. Commonly called "texting while driving.
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But Wait, There’s More: There are two people you do not want to be next to at a party—somebody who has gone to Harvard or someone who is in recovery…because, chances are, they will tell you immediately.
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Factoid: Larry Brown is the only coach to win both an NCAA and NBA title.
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Like, who knew: The top grossing movie star of 2016 was Scarlett Johansson.
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Just When You Thought You Had Heard It All: Along comes the news that for $6,189 you can get a Barclays Center package to see the Nets that includes a chauffeur and a private dressing room.
Not to see the 1986 Celtics. Not to see the Jordan in his prime. The Nets.
Somewhere P.T. Barnum is laughing.
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Quote: “I don’t know where we are going, but we are on our way.”---Stymie.
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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Quick Hit: The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong…but that is the way to bet.
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Inquiring Minds Want To Know: Just who is it that decides what is “breaking news?”
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Coming Attractions: More and more online shopping…more ghost malls.
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Reality Check: What is happening in Chicago is a national disgrace.
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Out On A Limb: The road to the Super Bowl…otherwise known as the Patriot’s Invitational.
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Final Thought: Ray Lewis meets with Donald Trump---Never too early or too late to work on a presidential pardon.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.

As you were

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 589

Saturday, December 17, 2016---968 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 33 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Jay Bilas…easily ESPN’s best commentator in any sport.
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Reading: “Off the Grid”—Outstanding thriller from C.J. Box.      
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On the Hi Fi:  “Swing Street” by Deana Martin. Not only is this a terrific album, she dedicates it to the troops, active and retired.
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Under Rated: Dick Enberg. After decades behind the microphone, he retired at 81. He covered virtually every sport and all the big events.
Like Vin Scully, he was not a screamer or showoff…unfortunately, a vanishing breed. 
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You Don’t Have To Be A Ph.D.: How many North Carolina freshmen basketball players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.
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But, Who’s Keeping Score: There are more commercials during an NFL game than there are great plays, and it's not even close.
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Dream On: After visiting the DMV and/or Post office would you vote for increased benefits for them?
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As Time Goes By: You know the culture has passed you by, when you realize that there's not one hit song you like, and it has been a long time since there was one.
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Straight Talk: It was Ernie Harwell who said, “On TV you get the movie. The game on the radio is the novel.”
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Comedy of Errors: In ACC play, Boston College lost to FSU, Virginia Tech, Clemson and Louisville by a combined 202-24. And they’re going to a bowl game!
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Bottom Line: What do you suppose the royalties are for “We Are the Champions?”
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Stay Tuned: You will never be completely happy until what you think and what you say are the same.
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Nobody Asked, But: If you’re not living with a woman or expecting one to show up any time soon are you still expected to put the toilet seat up?
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Rant: The American flag bunting that for decades rimmed the outsides of nearly all the stands during the World Series was greatly reduced so as not cover the ads sold and placed for TV exposure.
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Hmmm: Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
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Quote: “ Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.” – Mark Twain.
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Fielder’s Choice: The Yankees are retiring Derek Jeter’s #2. That makes 21 numbers retired. Shortly the team will have to use Roman Numerals or fractions.
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Conspicuously Stupid: Voting Bud “Sgt. Schultz” Selig into the Baseball Hall of Fame (on the first ballot, no less) is an insult to the intelligence of fans everywhere. What a crock!
The HOF used to have standards.
It is as if Selig set fire to the building and is now being rewarded for calling the fire department.
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Warning: The next time someone asks me for a ballpark figure, I’ll ask them if they mean Yankee Stadium or Fenway Park. Even generalities have to be qualified.”
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Hmmm: Why does free Wi-Fi always seem to be down?
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But, don’t get me wrong, I love sports: With the passing of Ralph Branca comes this profound quote, “If ‘The Shot Heard ‘Round the World’ happened today, it would occur at about midnight.”—Bill King.
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Even Worse: ESPN once showed Bobby Thompson’s homer…then identified it as a “walk-off” that won the “1951 NLCS.” Seriously! You could not make that up.
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Food for Thought: The “send” button is not always your friend.
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But, don’t get me wrong, I love sports II: I get cranky every time I hear some moronic sports talking head erroneously call an “off week” a “bye week.”
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You Know You’re Old: If you wondered how they got those “eight big tomatoes in that itty-bitty can.”
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Pet Peeve: Many too many sports talking heads persist in using jargon when simple English is called for.
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Overkill: Most play-by-play men and color guys would sound twice as good if they said half as much.
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Don’t Look Now: Seeing as how left-wing politics doesn’t work very well on radio, I wonder why they think it will work any better on TV.
I'm that guy, KVD
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Didjaknow: During Tom Brady’s rookie season (2000), the Pats had four quarterbacks. Brady was fourth on the depth chart.
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Quote: From Tom Brady, when asked who his favorite receiver is, “The open one.”
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This I Believe: Ted Williams was the greatest hitter ever.
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For the Record: Hollywood has phased me out.
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Earth to Kim Kardashian: In the world of reality, staying in a Paris hotel with an estimated $10 million in jewelry with you redefines clueless.
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Not So Fast: What takes longer; a microwave minute or a treadmill minute?
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For Crying Out Loud: A few weeks ago, two teams that traditionally wear red to match their nicknames {Stanford Cardinal and Rutgers Scarlet Knights} wore Nike Bad-Boy Black. Karma nailed them. Playing at home, they lost by a combined 120-16. The price of being tragically hip and a slave to fashion.
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Quote: “I ordered the chicken and egg sandwich at the diner…to see which came first.”—Steven Wright.
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Final Thought:  When in doubt, order take-out.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were





Tuesday, October 04, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 588

Tuesday, October 04, 2016---673 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 11
Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Lou Dobbs.
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Reading: “Night Prey” by John Sandford.
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On the Hi Fi: Houston Person’s “Sentimental Journey.”
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Under Rated: Rob Lowe.
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Quote: “ There's nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.” -- Peter F. Drucker.
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Let This Sink In: The NCAA plays games in Cuba and China. However, they refuse to play games in North Carolina because of “human rights violations.”
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Show of Hands: Anyone ever seen a “water-saving” toilet you did not have to flush at least twice?
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This & That: Some stereotyping is well deserved.
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Father & Son: Calvin Hill (NFL. 1969) and Grant Hill (NBA, 1995) were Rookies of the Year in their respective sports.
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IQ Test: I have this theory that a guy’s intelligence can be determined by how far around his head the bill on his baseball cap is turned. Backwards is a complete ass, unless he is a catcher or a sniper.
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Quote: “Americans love to say they think outside the box. Trump lives outside the box. Hillary is the box.”—Peggy Noonan.
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As Time Goes By: When the Howard Johnson’s in Bangor, Maine closed on September sixth…only one HoJo’s remained, located in Lake George, NY.
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Sorting It Out: The only difference between a cynic and a realist is whether or not you agree with him.
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Doesn’t Add Up: How do college athletes afford all those hair extensions.
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Common Sense: Ketchup on a hot dog is never permissible.
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Department of Redundancy Department: Mix together, same exact, brief summary, IRA Account, final ending, soaking wet, frozen solid.
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Common senselessness: With the epidemic spread of shameful player behavior in the National Felony League, it is time for a personal fouls fantasy league. If you draft Odell Beckham, Antonio Brown and Pacman Jones, you’ll be the favorite.
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Idle Thought: Non-treats include undercooked spaghetti, cold stethoscopes, unseen potholes, beanbag chairs, and wax fruit centerpieces.
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Numbers Game: David Ortiz just passed Mickey Mantle for #17 on the all time home run list.
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Sorting It Out: After David Ortiz passed Mickey Mantle on the career home run list; it occurred to me what a physical wonder The Mick must have been to hit so many homers while using PDDs---Performance Deenhancing Drugs {such as alcohol). Now…that’s old school slugging.
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Raise Your Hand: If you ever knowingly paid more in taxes than you had to.
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Captain Obvious: Life becomes far less complicated when you realize that no decision is a decision.
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Pop Quiz: 1) Do you have an accountant? If you answered yes, go to question 2.
2) How often have you asked him to ignore deductions and losses?
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Weekly Briefing: Not even Tom Selleck can convince me that a reverse mortgage is a good deal.
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Not So Fast: Ever wonder why magazine companies send out renewal notices about nine months before your subscription expires.
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True or False: Dick Tracy only goes after deformed criminals.
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The Band Played On: Colleagues honor, but cannot match Vin Scully. These boobs line up to honor Scully, but few are anything like him. Seems radio and TV execs prefer to hire screamers packing self-promotional gimmicks.
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Final Thought: Surrounding yourself with people smarter than you makes you the smartest person in the room. 
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.

As you were