Tuesday, October 04, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 588

Tuesday, October 04, 2016---673 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 11
Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Lou Dobbs.
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Reading: “Night Prey” by John Sandford.
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On the Hi Fi: Houston Person’s “Sentimental Journey.”
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Under Rated: Rob Lowe.
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Quote: “ There's nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.” -- Peter F. Drucker.
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Let This Sink In: The NCAA plays games in Cuba and China. However, they refuse to play games in North Carolina because of “human rights violations.”
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Show of Hands: Anyone ever seen a “water-saving” toilet you did not have to flush at least twice?
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This & That: Some stereotyping is well deserved.
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Father & Son: Calvin Hill (NFL. 1969) and Grant Hill (NBA, 1995) were Rookies of the Year in their respective sports.
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IQ Test: I have this theory that a guy’s intelligence can be determined by how far around his head the bill on his baseball cap is turned. Backwards is a complete ass, unless he is a catcher or a sniper.
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Quote: “Americans love to say they think outside the box. Trump lives outside the box. Hillary is the box.”—Peggy Noonan.
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As Time Goes By: When the Howard Johnson’s in Bangor, Maine closed on September sixth…only one HoJo’s remained, located in Lake George, NY.
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Sorting It Out: The only difference between a cynic and a realist is whether or not you agree with him.
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Doesn’t Add Up: How do college athletes afford all those hair extensions.
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Common Sense: Ketchup on a hot dog is never permissible.
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Department of Redundancy Department: Mix together, same exact, brief summary, IRA Account, final ending, soaking wet, frozen solid.
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Common senselessness: With the epidemic spread of shameful player behavior in the National Felony League, it is time for a personal fouls fantasy league. If you draft Odell Beckham, Antonio Brown and Pacman Jones, you’ll be the favorite.
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Idle Thought: Non-treats include undercooked spaghetti, cold stethoscopes, unseen potholes, beanbag chairs, and wax fruit centerpieces.
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Numbers Game: David Ortiz just passed Mickey Mantle for #17 on the all time home run list.
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Sorting It Out: After David Ortiz passed Mickey Mantle on the career home run list; it occurred to me what a physical wonder The Mick must have been to hit so many homers while using PDDs---Performance Deenhancing Drugs {such as alcohol). Now…that’s old school slugging.
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Raise Your Hand: If you ever knowingly paid more in taxes than you had to.
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Captain Obvious: Life becomes far less complicated when you realize that no decision is a decision.
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Pop Quiz: 1) Do you have an accountant? If you answered yes, go to question 2.
2) How often have you asked him to ignore deductions and losses?
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Weekly Briefing: Not even Tom Selleck can convince me that a reverse mortgage is a good deal.
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Not So Fast: Ever wonder why magazine companies send out renewal notices about nine months before your subscription expires.
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True or False: Dick Tracy only goes after deformed criminals.
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The Band Played On: Colleagues honor, but cannot match Vin Scully. These boobs line up to honor Scully, but few are anything like him. Seems radio and TV execs prefer to hire screamers packing self-promotional gimmicks.
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Final Thought: Surrounding yourself with people smarter than you makes you the smartest person in the room. 
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.

As you were

Monday, September 12, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 587

Monday, September 12, 2016---992 Words---Average
Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 23 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Robert Taylor.
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Reading: “Crimson Joy” by Robert B. Parker. Spenser and Hawk in 1988---pay phones and smoking abound.
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On the Hi Fi: Everything But the Girl’s “Language of Love.”
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Under Rated: Lee Tracy.
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Quote: From Bill Belichick when asked if he had anything planned for Tom Brady's birthday: "Practicing.''
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Truism: Showing up is not a skill.
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My Favorite Quote from the Olympics: From woman’s basketball star and four time gold medal Olympian Diana Taurasi, when asked if the US team was too good, “If you like basketball, I think you’d like watching good basketball. And, if you don’t like good basketball, I don’t know---go watch rowing.”
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Tally Ho: If A-Rod were a car, he'd no longer be a hot rod. He's leaking oil, the tires are bald and, at age 41, it's painful to watch.
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Trick Question: What does the “P” in ESPN stand for today? The “P” is now for politics, but only leftist politics.
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A Blind Eye: ESPN has been in the habit of hiring the wrong man for the wrong position for the wrong reason so often that every time a pro athlete is arrested or a college coach is busted for running a crooked program, they say they are just auditioning for ESPN.
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You Know You’re Old: If you remember when your folks used you as the remote for the TV.
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Don’t Look Now: Men’s tennis needs a big-time American star. We have a few very good ones on the rise in the women’s game…a very bright future.
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Cut and Dry: WTF is correct about politically correct?
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Quote: "I wonder how many lives were lost during WWII, Korea, Vietnam, and other wars so that Kaepernick could sit on his ass during our National Anthem.”—P.J. Chuvala.
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Great Expectations: The Yankees will pay Alex Rodriguez $20million not to play next season.
Or as team publicists prefer to spin it, a record contract for a designated sitter.
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Don’t Look Now: You never see a gorgeous woman at a bus stop.
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Aptly Named: John Calipari’s new book---“Success is the Only Option: The Art of Coaching Supreme Talent.”
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Quote: “When you win, nothing hurts.”---Joe Namath.
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You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up: The Twins-Astros game in Minneapolis was rained out — on Umbrella Night.
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Sound Advice: I used to love the summer songs on the radio…no longer. They just don’t make them like “Barbara Ann” by The Regents during the summer of 1961.
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You Know You’re Old: If you remember when we were told that Elvis would lead an entire generation of American kids down the expressway to Hell. He wouldn’t even qualify for the opening act in Beyonce’s America.
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Nobody Asked, But: How would Hoover have handled the Mrs. Bill Clinton situation?
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Didjaknow: Ken Griffey Jr. was the first #1 pick in the baseball draft to be elected to the Hall of Fame.
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Hmmm: Why do religious leaders wear such funny hats?
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Humor Me: How did we create a generation of college students who believe they should never be made uncomfortable by someone else’s point of view?
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Another Truism: Good enough is the mortal enemy of great.
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Imagine That: Hybrid and electric vehicles account for fewer than 3% of those on the road.
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For the Record: Only two men on the U.S. Olympic basketball team had been in the Olympics before, Carmelo Anthony and Kevin Durant. Yet, even without a true pass-first point guard, Coach K. coached them up to another gold medal.
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It’s Elementary: Never be the one who has the cell phone go off in church or at the movies---ever! Turn it off.
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FYI: The Pac-12 had the nation’s top 3 universities with Olympic competitors in Rio–USC (44), California (41), Stanford (39), while UCLA (29) is fifth behind Florida (31)
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Common Sense Alert: Wearing headphones does not mean that others have lost their hearing…don’t yell.
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Gee Whiz: I've finally learned to deal with the fact that I can't keep up with the Kardashians and I'm trying to live with it.
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More Blather: “Gotta minute” is a signal that an interruption is coming.
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Quote: TC Chong, on beach volleyball players wearing either 1 or 2: “So have the other 97 numbers been retired?”
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Earth to Cable News Stations: Why would anybody think a liberal’s view of Trump or a conservative’s view of Hillary be of interest to anybody?
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Current Events: The world will never run out of Hollywood starlets.
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Bottom Line: Never go to more than two meetings a day, or you will get nothing done.
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The Beat Goes On: Most protests end with the demand for free money. 
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Speaking of Tom Brady: He has won 22 playoff games, an NFL record.
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Works for Me: Never miss a deadline---ever!
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Turn Off Your iPhone: If you give someone your undivided attention, chances are they'll do likewise.
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Quote: Alice Cooper: "I hate it when fans go, 'Who should I vote for?' ... We're rock stars. We're dumber than you.''
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Consider This: A whistle and a clipboard often will put you in charge.
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Final Thought: Absolutely nothing can stop a great idea.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were



Sunday, July 10, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 586

Sunday, July 10, 2016---736 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 3 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: LaVern Baker.
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Reading: “Before the Fall” by Noah Hawley. Outstanding!
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On the Hi Fi: “The Language of Life” by Everything But the Girl.
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Under Rated: Helen O’Connell.
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Lush Life: While some may consider grass court tennis a 21st Century anachronism…no sports venue televises as richly as the green-on-green look of Wimbledon.
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Good Call: The players wearing all white is a huge plus as well. Wimbledon is the classiest act in sports.
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Quote: “ Everything you do or say is public relations.” – Anon.
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Flashback: The Yankees were a lot more fun when they were the Bronx Zoo.
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Rimshot: It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!
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Food for Thought: Keep cake moist by eating it all at one sitting.
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Over Rated: The MLB All Star Game and even more over rated is the home run hitting contest. The mandate for at least one player per team assures many too many “never-will-be” players will take the place of quality players…the bloated rosters guarantee even more unworthy players.
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By the Way: In 1962, MLB played two All Star Games (with true all stars)… the two All-Star Games ran a combined 4:51!
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Instant Analysis: Nothing worth learning is learned quickly, except parachuting.
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Another Rimshot: Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
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Quote: “ An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.” -- Laurence J. Peter.
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By the Way: Remember when there were summer songs?
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Easy Solution: Why not just suspend Trump University from playing in any bowl games next season?
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Hmmm: Why does the moon appear larger on the horizon than up in the sky?
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Yet Another Rimshot: A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
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Wondering: Why are the flush handles on toilets all located on the left side?
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Words of Wisdom: Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
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Hmmm: Are we still supposed to care about keeping up with the Kardashians?
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Food for Thought: If Theo’s Cubs win the World Series, he’s really close to the Hall of Fame.
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No Question: The more powerful you are, the funnier you are to those around you.
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Fast Break Culture: No horse can go as fast as the dough you put on it.
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If You Are Scoring at Home: Speaking of the Yankees, Alex Rodriguez has more strikeouts than hits.
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Final Rimshot: A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says, “Make me one with everything.”
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
The vendor replies, “change comes from within.”
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Dollars & Nonsense: The difference between business and government is that government has no bottom line.
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Truism: If there is no alternative, there is no problem.
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No Shit: “Digital ads are the root cause of digital ad blocking.”—NY Times CEO.
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Quote: “Is it still premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married?”—George Burns.
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Straight Talk: Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
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Final Thought: Everybody wants to be paid exactly what they are worth, as long as it is more than they are making.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were



Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 585

Tuesday, May 24, 2016---864 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 3 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Barry Mann.
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Reading: Michael Koryta’s “Last Words.”
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On the Hi Fi: “She Could Be a Spy” by Swingerhead.
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Under Rated: Don Rondo.
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No Shit: You are usually quite good at doing the things that you love to do.
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Quote: “Peace is that glorious moment when everyone is reloading.”—Thomas Jefferson.
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Go Figure: Why worry about low tire pressure when you are out of gas?
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Rim Shot: Major League Baseball should employ MIT grads as second base umpires, as they likely have the best understanding of the slide rules.
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Picture This: I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
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This & That: “Walk-off” losses can only occur on the road----“walk-off” wins only at home.
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Word Play: A taxpayer is someone who works for the federal government without having to pass the civil service exam.
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TV Time Out: I am enjoying the ending of this season’s “The Blacklist” much more without Elizabeth Keene.
Bad guys Solomon, Scottie and Rowan are interesting characters with charismatic actors to back them up.
Solomon is the ultimate mercenary…a real cockroach…brilliantly played.
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Truism: there is no such thing as quiet drunk.
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Jeepers Creepers: When they try to turn comic books into movies, I am out of the theater…before entering.
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Idle Thought: It matters not what you are looking at, but what you see.
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Hmmm: Is a zebra black with white stripes or white with black stripes?
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Quote: “Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true.” -- Niels Bohr
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Bad Medicine: The Philadelphia 76ers will become the NBA’s first team to feature advertising on their uniforms---StubHub for the 2017-18 season. What’s next? Chico’s Bail Bonds?
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No Brainer: The one thing curiosity cannot be is idle.
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But Who Is Counting: The Glen Gray Casa Loma Orchestra once played 101 consecutive weeks of one-night stands.
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We’ll Leave the Light On: If you have been to a hotel room lately, you realize it takes a special type of intelligence to master the clock radio.
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TV Time Out II: The final season for “Hell on Wheels” returns to AMC on Saturday, June 11th at 9 PM.
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Happy Anniversary: The WNBA is starting its 20th season.
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Humor Me: The tollbooth coming up is not a surprise, so why can’t everybody have their dough ready?
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Truism: Trial balances don’t.
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Net Loss: The first half of the 2016 Tennis Season has been a dismal preview of what tennis will look like when Roger Federer retires. His grace and style are irreplaceable.
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Dollars and Nonsense: Here are a few stats from Bob Hoffman aka The Ad Contrarian.
People over fifty:
ü  Responsible for about half of all consumer spending.
ü  Control 70% of the country’s wealth.
ü  Have about 80% of the savings.
ü  Dominate 94% of all Consumer Package Goods.
ü  Purchase nearly 2/3 of all new cars.
ü  Own 57% of all second and vacation homes.
ü  Are far easier and cheaper to reach than any other demographic group.
ü  Yet, the irony is that ad agencies go out of their way to ignore the over fifty faction.
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Reality Check: White people are the only people in America that you can legally discriminate against.
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TV Time Out III: Season three of “The Blacklist” just wrapped. The show completely remade itself. It moved away from the ”Blacklister of the week” formula, removed Liz from the FBI, put her on the run and inserted a spinoff pilot.
Most creative…bravo!
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True or False: If it doesn’t fit in a pigeonhole, maybe it isn’t a pigeon.
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Ever Wonder: Why only nine out of ten dentists recommended Crest? What was their brand?
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Jeepers Creepers: No one knows what traveling is in college basketball anymore, especially the refs.
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Your Serve: If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
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Wondering: What day is there not a mattress sale going on?
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Great Expectations: One day we will walk into McDonald’s and the burgers will be served just as they appear in the commercials. Until then, thanks for taking my call.
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Ready or Not: The time that passes before you hear about an event is in direct proportion to the extent it affects you.
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Final Thought: The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were