Monday, September 12, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 587

Monday, September 12, 2016---992 Words---Average
Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 23 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Robert Taylor.
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Reading: “Crimson Joy” by Robert B. Parker. Spenser and Hawk in 1988---pay phones and smoking abound.
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On the Hi Fi: Everything But the Girl’s “Language of Love.”
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Under Rated: Lee Tracy.
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Quote: From Bill Belichick when asked if he had anything planned for Tom Brady's birthday: "Practicing.''
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Truism: Showing up is not a skill.
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My Favorite Quote from the Olympics: From woman’s basketball star and four time gold medal Olympian Diana Taurasi, when asked if the US team was too good, “If you like basketball, I think you’d like watching good basketball. And, if you don’t like good basketball, I don’t know---go watch rowing.”
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Tally Ho: If A-Rod were a car, he'd no longer be a hot rod. He's leaking oil, the tires are bald and, at age 41, it's painful to watch.
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Trick Question: What does the “P” in ESPN stand for today? The “P” is now for politics, but only leftist politics.
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A Blind Eye: ESPN has been in the habit of hiring the wrong man for the wrong position for the wrong reason so often that every time a pro athlete is arrested or a college coach is busted for running a crooked program, they say they are just auditioning for ESPN.
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You Know You’re Old: If you remember when your folks used you as the remote for the TV.
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Don’t Look Now: Men’s tennis needs a big-time American star. We have a few very good ones on the rise in the women’s game…a very bright future.
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Cut and Dry: WTF is correct about politically correct?
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Quote: "I wonder how many lives were lost during WWII, Korea, Vietnam, and other wars so that Kaepernick could sit on his ass during our National Anthem.”—P.J. Chuvala.
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Great Expectations: The Yankees will pay Alex Rodriguez $20million not to play next season.
Or as team publicists prefer to spin it, a record contract for a designated sitter.
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Don’t Look Now: You never see a gorgeous woman at a bus stop.
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Aptly Named: John Calipari’s new book---“Success is the Only Option: The Art of Coaching Supreme Talent.”
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Quote: “When you win, nothing hurts.”---Joe Namath.
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You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up: The Twins-Astros game in Minneapolis was rained out — on Umbrella Night.
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Sound Advice: I used to love the summer songs on the radio…no longer. They just don’t make them like “Barbara Ann” by The Regents during the summer of 1961.
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You Know You’re Old: If you remember when we were told that Elvis would lead an entire generation of American kids down the expressway to Hell. He wouldn’t even qualify for the opening act in Beyonce’s America.
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Nobody Asked, But: How would Hoover have handled the Mrs. Bill Clinton situation?
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Didjaknow: Ken Griffey Jr. was the first #1 pick in the baseball draft to be elected to the Hall of Fame.
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Hmmm: Why do religious leaders wear such funny hats?
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Humor Me: How did we create a generation of college students who believe they should never be made uncomfortable by someone else’s point of view?
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Another Truism: Good enough is the mortal enemy of great.
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Imagine That: Hybrid and electric vehicles account for fewer than 3% of those on the road.
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For the Record: Only two men on the U.S. Olympic basketball team had been in the Olympics before, Carmelo Anthony and Kevin Durant. Yet, even without a true pass-first point guard, Coach K. coached them up to another gold medal.
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It’s Elementary: Never be the one who has the cell phone go off in church or at the movies---ever! Turn it off.
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FYI: The Pac-12 had the nation’s top 3 universities with Olympic competitors in Rio–USC (44), California (41), Stanford (39), while UCLA (29) is fifth behind Florida (31)
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Common Sense Alert: Wearing headphones does not mean that others have lost their hearing…don’t yell.
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Gee Whiz: I've finally learned to deal with the fact that I can't keep up with the Kardashians and I'm trying to live with it.
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More Blather: “Gotta minute” is a signal that an interruption is coming.
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Quote: TC Chong, on beach volleyball players wearing either 1 or 2: “So have the other 97 numbers been retired?”
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Earth to Cable News Stations: Why would anybody think a liberal’s view of Trump or a conservative’s view of Hillary be of interest to anybody?
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Current Events: The world will never run out of Hollywood starlets.
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Bottom Line: Never go to more than two meetings a day, or you will get nothing done.
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The Beat Goes On: Most protests end with the demand for free money. 
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Speaking of Tom Brady: He has won 22 playoff games, an NFL record.
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Works for Me: Never miss a deadline---ever!
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Turn Off Your iPhone: If you give someone your undivided attention, chances are they'll do likewise.
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Quote: Alice Cooper: "I hate it when fans go, 'Who should I vote for?' ... We're rock stars. We're dumber than you.''
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Consider This: A whistle and a clipboard often will put you in charge.
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Final Thought: Absolutely nothing can stop a great idea.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were



Sunday, July 10, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 586

Sunday, July 10, 2016---736 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 3 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: LaVern Baker.
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Reading: “Before the Fall” by Noah Hawley. Outstanding!
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On the Hi Fi: “The Language of Life” by Everything But the Girl.
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Under Rated: Helen O’Connell.
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Lush Life: While some may consider grass court tennis a 21st Century anachronism…no sports venue televises as richly as the green-on-green look of Wimbledon.
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Good Call: The players wearing all white is a huge plus as well. Wimbledon is the classiest act in sports.
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Quote: “ Everything you do or say is public relations.” – Anon.
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Flashback: The Yankees were a lot more fun when they were the Bronx Zoo.
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Rimshot: It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!
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Food for Thought: Keep cake moist by eating it all at one sitting.
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Over Rated: The MLB All Star Game and even more over rated is the home run hitting contest. The mandate for at least one player per team assures many too many “never-will-be” players will take the place of quality players…the bloated rosters guarantee even more unworthy players.
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By the Way: In 1962, MLB played two All Star Games (with true all stars)… the two All-Star Games ran a combined 4:51!
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Instant Analysis: Nothing worth learning is learned quickly, except parachuting.
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Another Rimshot: Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
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Quote: “ An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.” -- Laurence J. Peter.
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By the Way: Remember when there were summer songs?
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Easy Solution: Why not just suspend Trump University from playing in any bowl games next season?
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Hmmm: Why does the moon appear larger on the horizon than up in the sky?
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Yet Another Rimshot: A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
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Wondering: Why are the flush handles on toilets all located on the left side?
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Words of Wisdom: Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
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Hmmm: Are we still supposed to care about keeping up with the Kardashians?
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Food for Thought: If Theo’s Cubs win the World Series, he’s really close to the Hall of Fame.
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No Question: The more powerful you are, the funnier you are to those around you.
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Fast Break Culture: No horse can go as fast as the dough you put on it.
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If You Are Scoring at Home: Speaking of the Yankees, Alex Rodriguez has more strikeouts than hits.
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Final Rimshot: A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says, “Make me one with everything.”
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
The vendor replies, “change comes from within.”
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Dollars & Nonsense: The difference between business and government is that government has no bottom line.
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Truism: If there is no alternative, there is no problem.
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No Shit: “Digital ads are the root cause of digital ad blocking.”—NY Times CEO.
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Quote: “Is it still premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married?”—George Burns.
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Straight Talk: Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
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Final Thought: Everybody wants to be paid exactly what they are worth, as long as it is more than they are making.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were



Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 585

Tuesday, May 24, 2016---864 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 3 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Barry Mann.
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Reading: Michael Koryta’s “Last Words.”
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On the Hi Fi: “She Could Be a Spy” by Swingerhead.
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Under Rated: Don Rondo.
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No Shit: You are usually quite good at doing the things that you love to do.
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Quote: “Peace is that glorious moment when everyone is reloading.”—Thomas Jefferson.
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Go Figure: Why worry about low tire pressure when you are out of gas?
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Rim Shot: Major League Baseball should employ MIT grads as second base umpires, as they likely have the best understanding of the slide rules.
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Picture This: I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
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This & That: “Walk-off” losses can only occur on the road----“walk-off” wins only at home.
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Word Play: A taxpayer is someone who works for the federal government without having to pass the civil service exam.
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TV Time Out: I am enjoying the ending of this season’s “The Blacklist” much more without Elizabeth Keene.
Bad guys Solomon, Scottie and Rowan are interesting characters with charismatic actors to back them up.
Solomon is the ultimate mercenary…a real cockroach…brilliantly played.
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Truism: there is no such thing as quiet drunk.
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Jeepers Creepers: When they try to turn comic books into movies, I am out of the theater…before entering.
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Idle Thought: It matters not what you are looking at, but what you see.
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Hmmm: Is a zebra black with white stripes or white with black stripes?
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Quote: “Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true.” -- Niels Bohr
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Bad Medicine: The Philadelphia 76ers will become the NBA’s first team to feature advertising on their uniforms---StubHub for the 2017-18 season. What’s next? Chico’s Bail Bonds?
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No Brainer: The one thing curiosity cannot be is idle.
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But Who Is Counting: The Glen Gray Casa Loma Orchestra once played 101 consecutive weeks of one-night stands.
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We’ll Leave the Light On: If you have been to a hotel room lately, you realize it takes a special type of intelligence to master the clock radio.
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TV Time Out II: The final season for “Hell on Wheels” returns to AMC on Saturday, June 11th at 9 PM.
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Happy Anniversary: The WNBA is starting its 20th season.
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Humor Me: The tollbooth coming up is not a surprise, so why can’t everybody have their dough ready?
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Truism: Trial balances don’t.
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Net Loss: The first half of the 2016 Tennis Season has been a dismal preview of what tennis will look like when Roger Federer retires. His grace and style are irreplaceable.
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Dollars and Nonsense: Here are a few stats from Bob Hoffman aka The Ad Contrarian.
People over fifty:
ü  Responsible for about half of all consumer spending.
ü  Control 70% of the country’s wealth.
ü  Have about 80% of the savings.
ü  Dominate 94% of all Consumer Package Goods.
ü  Purchase nearly 2/3 of all new cars.
ü  Own 57% of all second and vacation homes.
ü  Are far easier and cheaper to reach than any other demographic group.
ü  Yet, the irony is that ad agencies go out of their way to ignore the over fifty faction.
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Reality Check: White people are the only people in America that you can legally discriminate against.
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TV Time Out III: Season three of “The Blacklist” just wrapped. The show completely remade itself. It moved away from the ”Blacklister of the week” formula, removed Liz from the FBI, put her on the run and inserted a spinoff pilot.
Most creative…bravo!
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True or False: If it doesn’t fit in a pigeonhole, maybe it isn’t a pigeon.
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Ever Wonder: Why only nine out of ten dentists recommended Crest? What was their brand?
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Jeepers Creepers: No one knows what traveling is in college basketball anymore, especially the refs.
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Your Serve: If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
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Wondering: What day is there not a mattress sale going on?
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Great Expectations: One day we will walk into McDonald’s and the burgers will be served just as they appear in the commercials. Until then, thanks for taking my call.
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Ready or Not: The time that passes before you hear about an event is in direct proportion to the extent it affects you.
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Final Thought: The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were


Thursday, May 12, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 584

Thursday, May 12, 2016---868 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 11 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Buddy Knox.
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Reading: “The 14th Colony” by Steve Berry…excellent.
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On the Hi Fi: “Polka Dots and Moonbeams” by Paul Desmond.
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Under Rated: Kalin Twins.
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Time’s Up: You do not need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to sky dive twice.
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It’s Elementary: Memo to TV sports announcers---It’s TV, the self-evident needs no help.
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Kid’s Stuff: I wonder if kids still enjoy the Hell out of playing Whiffle Ball in the back yard until dark on summer nights.
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Quote: “Men make history, and not the other way around. In periods where there is no leadership, society stands still. Progress occurs when courageous, skillful leaders seize the opportunity to change things for the better.” -- Harry S Truman
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TV Time Out: Loving “The Night Manager.” Screw-tightening suspense. Can Pine rope Roper without getting exposed or scorched by so much evil under the sun?
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Sound Advice: Never answer a person who says, “May I ask a stupid question?”
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Idle Thought: We are all on the clock.
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Rave: John Katzenbach creates novels that remain with you long after you turn the final page…with characters that resonate for a long, long time.
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Department of Redundancy Department: free gift, closed fist, overused cliché, unexpected surprise, universal panacea, same exact.
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Progress Report: As time goes by, everything gets heavier and farther.
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Any Truth to the Rumor: That ESPN (Every Sportscaster Political Now) will be filling Curt Schilling’s analyst duties with Rachel Maddow?
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Reality Check: Have you noticed that even though fuel prices have plummeted, airline tickets have not.”
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Government Motto: Wait, there is a harder way.
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Quote: “The future is the place knuckleheads love to pontificate about because it’s the one and only place where your stupidity can’t be fact-checked.”—Bob Hoffman.
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No Contest: Fashion can be bought…style, one must possess.
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Stat Stuff: In MLB so far this season, 22% of all plate appearances have ended in strikeouts.
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Full Disclosure: There is no love more sincere than the love of food. Especially French Fries.
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The Band Played On: XM has a limited time only channel dedicated to one-hit-wonders. Tuning in and out, it is easy to hear why they were limited to just one. The irony is that the channel (#18) is adjacent to The Elvis Channel (#19), no one-hit-wonder he!
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Over/Under: How often do you press the correct remote control button in the dark?
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Random Thought: Half the population does not understand women.
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Nobody Asked Me, But: Organs have become passé at baseball games. Teams prefer blaring canned music that eliminates conversation…just a horrible idea.
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Your Serve: If you have nothing to say, say nothing.
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Bottom Line: Texting while driving? Really? On the stupid list this one is right at the top.
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Rant: The debate over whether the dominance of the UConn Women’s Basketball Team is just plain stupid. The goal for sports teams is to win as much as possible. If you dominate in the process…good for you. That’s a tribute to the program.
By the way…unlike the UConn Men’s team, the women have never been attached to financial, academic or social scandal. I say, “Bravo, Geno!”
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Truism: Action ends doubt.
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Hmmm: Until Prince died, I don’t recall any other “rock stars” ever mentioning his name.
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Bottom Line: It was Harry Truman who said, “I never gave them Hell. I just tell the truth and they think it is Hell.”
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Unforced Error: MLB’s expanded review instant-replay system reminds me of the old four-corner stall from college basketball’s bronze age. Is this baseball’s idea of keeping the game moving? You would have thought MLB would have known better than to copy off the paper of the kid (NFL) it already knew had the wrong answer.
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For the Record: few things say spring any better than the Kentucky Derby.
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On Target: the fellow who laughs last, may laugh best but gets the reputation of being very slow-witted.
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More Blather: Okay, it’s the top of the first, season opener Mariners at Rangers…Robinson Cano homers. The ESPN geniuses put up the graphic: “Cano’s first homer of the year.“ Just proves that the way too PC ESPN has a firm grasp of the obvious.
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No One Asked Me, But: I would rather listen to Curt Schilling than ESPN.
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Final Thought: Most people are far more honest than those chosen to represent them.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were







Sunday, April 17, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 583

Sunday, April 17, 2016---762 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 43 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Gene Vincent.
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Reading: “Invisible City” by Julia Dahl.
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On the Hi Fi: “Whatcha Know Joe?” by The Pied Pipers.
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Under Rated: Charlie Gracie.
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Quote: “The inhabitants of the marketing industry are astoundingly out of touch with anyone not like them.
As I have said many times: Our industry's obsession with millennials is nothing but narcissism disguised as strategy. It is marketing by selfie-stick.”-- Bob Hoffman, The Ad Contrarian
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Count ‘em: Kobe Bryant has won exactly one regular season MVP in his NBA career…if you’re scoring at home, or on the road.
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Seems Silly to Me: Nutritional value printed on bags of potato chips.
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Imagine That: Tampa is just about the last place I would expect the NCAA to host an event called The Frozen Four.
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Hmmm: Is it “feed a cold, starve a fever” or vice versa?
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While Absolutely No One Was Watching: For the first time since 1970 not one Canadian team reached the NHL postseason.
Sidebar---Canadians make up 49.3% of NHL rosters.
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History 101: World War II was the last federal government program that really worked.
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Fielder’s Choice: Only two MLB players have achieved the distinction of winning both the Rookie of the Year and MVP honors in the same year---Fred Lynn (1975) and Ichiro Suzuki.
Lynn is also the only MLB player to hit a grand slam during an All Star Game.
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Instant Analysis: Resisting temptation is never ending.
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Quick Hit: Baseball in the cold is its own little form of Hell. For both fans and players.
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Official Project Stages: (1) Uncritical Acceptance. (2) Wild Enthusiasm. (3) Dejected Disillusionment. (4) Total Confusion. (5) Search for the Guilty. (6) Punishment of the Innocent. (7) Promotion of the Non-participants.
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Food for Thought: It is my opinion that the only person who thought Yoko could sing was John Lennon.
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Rave: Calvin Johnson, receiver for the Detroit Lions retired without even calling a press conference. Quite rare and most welcome in today’s world of sports.
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Go Figure: A critic is someone who knows the way, but cannot drive a car.
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Overkill: The Kobe Bryant farewell in L.A., where excess was invented. BFD: It took him 50 shots to score 60 points. Just imagine how many points Stephen Curry would have tallied on 50 shots.
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Quote: “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”—Albert Camus.
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Ad Nauseum: ARod will turn 41 in July…should you wish to send him a card.
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On the Plus Side: Ted Williams still leads the Red Sox in career home runs.
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Look Both Ways: In today’s world of computer magic, the most dangerous word has become “send.”
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Rave: The NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament remains the greatest show in sports.
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Too Much: Okay---NCAA Championship Game: CBS/TBS has eight analysts on halftime show, three calling the game and one courtside. That’s 12 by my math (and I often have trouble carrying the one). That’s way over the top.
To start, Jim Nantz is a waste of time…Bill Raftery and Grant Hill are far more savvy about the game than Nantz will ever be. Courtside/sideline reports are an embarrassment, no matter the sport.
Three in the booth is many too many. If you doubt that, listen to Vin Scully call a Dodger game solo. That’s entertainment.
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Nantzism: “Arial coverage brought to you by DirecTV.” Arial coverage from above an indoor stadium…whiskey-tango-foxtrot.
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For the Record: Remember when nobody ever thought of infrastructure?
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In Case Anyone Even Cares: It has been eight years since Tiger Woods won a major.
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Write On: Of the 17,000 words written by Shakespeare, 10% were originals…including barefaced, frugal, dwindle and summit.
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Final Thought: Why on earth does anyone care what a celebrity thinks about politics?
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were