Monday, January 14, 2008

Curmudgeon in the Wry 380

Monday, January 14, 2008---579 Words---Average reading time: 1-minute, 57 seconds (time frittered away) (a pointless waste of time)
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Almost completely free of original ideas.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
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Rave: Edward G. Robinson
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On the Hi Fi: “The Andrews Sisters with the Glenn Miller Orchestra.”
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Reading: “Acts of Nature” by Jonathon King.
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Decision 2008: Ginger or Mary Ann.
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Quote: Fitness role model Jack LaLanne, on his 93rd birthday: "I'm feeling great and I have sex almost every day. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday..."
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Rave: “The Beltway Boys” on Fox News Channel.
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Truism: The presidential candidates talk about bringing dramatic change to Washington but, by retiring, Joe Gibbs has actually done it.
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Rant: Clinton is not the experienced candidate.If she is, then what did that make Bill Richardson and Joe Biden and John McCain? Founding Fathers?She has been in the Senate for seven years. Seven rather unpleasant years, if you ask me. During which time I did not see her wielding her "experience" to make things better. I saw her trying to ban video games and flag-burning and taking money from Rupert Murdoch. Anyone else see that?
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This just in: As soon as I saw how the New Hampshire Democratic Primary turned around, I started to feel my own eyes welling up.
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Rant: I do not understand why Jim Rice and Andre Dawson did not join "Goose" Gossage in Cooperstown. Everyday players are more important to their teams than relief specialists are. Throw in Dale Murphy, another omission from the Hall of Fame, and you'd have a formidable, power-hitting outfield.
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Rave: The cheerleaders at the University of Miami’s Women’s Basketball games are by far the most attractive in the ACC…and the most athletic.
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From my viewpoint: UNC’s biggest basketball threat, Tyler Hansbrough, would be an effective player, one supposes, even if the officials didn't allow him to shuffle his feet on almost every move to the basket.
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Truism: If hip-hop is the price we pay now for punishing our parents with rock ‘n’ roll, it is a steep one.
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Rant: We should all abandon “cruel and unusual” lethal injections just as soon as we discover a murder that is not “cruel and unusual.”
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Double standard: If a hotel had a floor just for men, there would be a court case in less than 60 seconds.
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Rumor mill: Roger Clemens’ next defense is that his dog took the steroids and he ate the homework.
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Hmmm: Joe Torre should feel like he is finally on work release
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Rant: Haven’t the term limits expired for Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton?
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Rave: The photography in Sports Illustrated sets the highest standard in journalism. Their camera work is magic, artistic, creative and imaginative. And, by the way, the article by Grant Wahl on Kansas State freshman Michael Beasley (January 14th issue) is a terrific read.

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TV Timeout: Bobby Knight might be one of the few people who could bring his young grandson to a press conference and not have it work.
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Truism: There is no such thing as a short sleeve dress shirt.
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On your resume: If you demonstrate competence, it becomes part of your job description.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.
That is all.
As you were.
We return you to your regular programming

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Curmudgeon in the Wry 379

Saturday, January 12, 2008---601 Words---Average reading time: 2-minutes, 17 seconds (time frittered away) (a pointless waste of time)
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Almost completely free of original ideas.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
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Rave: Dana Andrews
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On the Hi Fi: “Revival” by John Fogerty. “Gunslinger” is about the best song I heard last year.
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Reading: “Acts of Nature” by Jonathon King.
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Quote: “Many women like a strong, silent man because they think he is listening.”—Sam Ewing, Wall Street Journal.
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Rave: “Press 1 for English; Press 2 for Deportation.”
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Truism: The other line always moves faster.
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Rant: The expression “significant other” makes me gag. How about: boy-friend/girl-friend? “Glamourpuss galpal,” as the New York Post called Tom Brady’s girl friend is a better choice.
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Rave: How about John Kerry telling his former running mate, John Edwards, “Thanks for the memories.”
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Good advice: When you oversleep, spend an extra minute in bed to develop a recovery plan.
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Decision 2008: Betty or Veronica?
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Rant: Take away a handful and the college bowl games are TV shows, nothing else
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Show of hands: How many of you are still keeping your New Year’s Resolutions?
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Hmmm: Wonder what the odds are of your wrong number being a fax machine?
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Weather report: A snowstorm becomes a blizzard when the temperature dips below 20 degrees and the wind speed reaches 35 mph.
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Truism: Cats do not bark at night.
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Rant: The real reality TV is lying on your couch looking for something to watch.
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I missed the memo: When did turquoise become teal?
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Axiom: When you do not know what you want, it is most likely sleep.
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Useless Factoid: A swordfish can move twice as fast as a kangaroo.
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Quote: “Early to bed, early to rise, and your girl goes out with other guys.”—Bob Collins on “Love That Bob.”
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Factoid: Hungarian mathematician Erno Rubik became the first self-made millionaire in a Communist country thru sales of his Rubik’s cube.
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Didjaknow: Great Danes hail from Germany, not Denmark. In addition, while Brazil nuts do come from Brazil, they are seeds. Coconuts are giant seeds as well.
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Hmmm: Rice paper contains no rice.
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Pop quiz: How many gallons of liquid does a ten-gallon hat hold? About a gallon, more or less.
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Research: The folks at Gallup report that pepperoni is America’s favorite pizza topping. I cannot think of anything worse than pepperoni.
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Rx: Caffeine is tasteless---signs of caffeine overdose: cold sweat, the shakes, heart palpitations and a feeling of impending doom. Sounds like life in Coconut Grove in the 1960’s.
Symptoms of caffeine withdrawal: headaches, nervousness and irritability. Sounds like my life in the record business in 1990’s.
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Quote: “If you become a star, you don’t change, everyone else does.”—Kirk Douglas.
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Spell this: Alfred Botts, an out of work architect, created SCRABBLE in 1931. All the toy companies he presented it to, said, “No potential.”
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Rimshot: Electric eels have been communicating electronically longer than anybody has.
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Free advice: Never let a computer know you are in a hurry.
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Truism: No two things are quite as inseparable as the two umbrellas you bought in order to have one at home and one at the office. Just for grins, how many umbrellas do you own?
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Another rimshot: Did out of work blacksmiths ever say, “I’ve got a few irons in the fire.”
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In closing: And they don’t make movie stars like Steve McQueen these days, either.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.
That is all.
As you were.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Curmudgeon in the Wry 378

Tuesday, January 08, 2008---651 Words---Average reading time: 2-minutes, 7 seconds (time frittered away) (a pointless waste of time)
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Almost completely free of original ideas.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
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Rave: Lana Turner
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On the Hi Fi: Bachelor Pad Royale.
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Reading: “Straits of Fortune” by Anthony Gagliano.
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Quote: “Good habits are much easier to give up than bad ones.”---Somerset Maughn.
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Paraphrase: “There is no crying in primaries!” Once again, the wide load in a pants suit, exemplifies disingenuousness to the nth degree.
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Bumper Sticker of the Week: “Raise your hand if you are a conservative…raise your standards if you are not.”
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Rave: A Starbucks in upstate New York put out two tip jars -- one labeled "Mac," the other "PC." Customers voted on their favorite computer platform with tips. When the staff added up the contents of the jars at the end of the day, they declared a winner: Macs won, with twice as much tipping as PCs.
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Pop Quiz: Who won the 2007 Kentucky Derby?
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Didjaknow: The average lifespan of a baseball in the major leagues is six pitches.
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Hmmm: The happiest man in town is the village idiot.
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Useless info: The plastic flamingo population in the US is greater than that of real flamingos.
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Growing, growing: In 1987 there were three area codes in Florida…today there are eleven.
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Smart guys: Dean Martin, Frankie Valli, Cary Grant, Gene Hackman and Billy Joel were all high school dropouts.
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Film history: Alfred Hitchcock directed the first British “talkie.”
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Pop Quiz II: What film won last year’s Oscar for Best Picture?
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More useless info: “German chocolate cake” is not a chocolate cake made in a German style, but a cake made with German chocolate.
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Rant: Wearing spandex should be a privilege, not a right.
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Just asking: Can you remember your first telephone number?
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Calming advice: Next time you find yourself in a tense business situation; ask yourself, “What would Bob Newhart do?”
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Rant: Shuttle buses.
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Hmmm: How come TV shows need laugh tracks, but movies do not?
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Truism: Were it not for weddings, there would be no reason for electric woks.
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Pop Quiz III: What actor won the Emmy in the drama category last year?
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Dead giveaway: Never underestimate a person who writes with a fountain pen.
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Old habits: Ever notice that once you put something in a kitchen drawer, you never change its location.
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Time management: If you desire shorter meetings, do not provide chairs.
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Apropos of nothing: About one in three of the world’s population cannot snap their fingers.
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Pop Quiz IV: Who won the Grammy for Best Male Pop Vocalist last year?
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Rant: Whenever someone repositions my rear view mirror.
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Rave: Checking the air on your spare tire and finding it AOK.
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Food fight: If you want to be certain you will never see the waiter again, tell him you need “just another minute.”
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Something’s fishy: The distinctive flavor of Lee & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce comes from anchovies.
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Hmmm: Has anyone ever worn out a hammer?
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(Maybe) Mission Impossible: Try to solve a crossword puzzle using only the Down clues.
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Just curious: Do you really think ice tongs are better than fingers?
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Quote: “The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and have to watch someone else doing it wrong without commenting.”—T.H. White.
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Truism: Veronica Lake never had a bad hair day.
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Numbers game: Initially the Dave Clark Five had six members.
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Rant: Football players who remove their helmets to showboat after any sort of a play should be made to the rest of the game without the helmet.
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Pop Quiz Answers: Street Sense, “The Departed,” James Spader, John Mayer. How quickly we forget.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.
That is all.
As you were.