Friday, May 31, 2013

Curmudgeon In The Wry 544


Friday, May 31, 2013---940 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 51 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Chock full of extraneous intensifiers.
If you don’t have more questions than answers, you are not really living.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Providing snap judgments and overreactions.
Filled with random nonsense.
Completely biased.
Don’t forget to floss.
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Rave: Wendy Barrie
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Reading: Dennis Lehane’s Edgar Award winner, “Live By Night.” After just a few pages it was easy to see why this won the Edgar. Thought I knew where it was headed after 30 or so pages, but it changed directions three or four times in the next 70. Helluva ride so far!
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On the Hi Fi: “Mambo Mio”—a Starbucks collection featuring Nat Cole, Perez Prado, Xavier Cugat and Dean Martin.
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Under rated: Bruce Cabot.
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You Know You’re Old: If you remember when “don’t touch that dial” was to be taken literally.
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Rave: I still enjoy reading the funny pages…Blondie, Mallard Fillmore, Crankshaft, Pickles, The Lockhorns are among my favorites.  It’s a habit I picked up from my dad…whose favorite was always L’il Abner.
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You Know You're From Florida If: Socks are only for bowling.
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Quote: “This is obama’s America, a nation in which harsher words are used to describe law-abiding, gun-owning, Christian conservatives than bloodthirsty jihadists.”—Burt Prelutsky.
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You Know You're From Florida: You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
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Hmmm: Is it the song or is it the singer?
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Full disclosure: I never loved Lucy, nor got Jackie Gleason; but loved Steve Allen and Uncle Milty.
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You Know You’re Old: When everything hurts.
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Quote: “It's not what you accomplish; it's what you overcome to accomplish it that sets you apart."—Jimmy Connors.
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Rant: Why do people who have absolutely nothing of interest to say, take so long to say it?
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You Know You're From Florida: You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen drawer.
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Ever notice: That condo boards always seem to be headed-up by people who have never headed-up anything in life beforehand.
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Rave: “Leave It To Beaver” and “Bachelor Father" still a pleasure to watch. There are worse role models than Uncle Bentley.
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You Know You’re Old: When you burn the midnight oil until 9 P.M.
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Rimshot: I can’t stand people who are intolerant.
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You Know You're From Florida: If your oak tree stays green through December and January, then all of the sudden in February all the leaves fall to the ground at once.
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Truism: It’s not what you think about that matters, it’s what you figure out.
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Rave: Best name in sports is UNC baseball player, Skye Bolt…sounds like a character out of a sci-fi flick from the fifties.
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You Know You’re Old: When you look forward to a dull evening.
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Rave: The opening monologue in “The Guns of Navarone” gets my full attention to this day…and I feel certain that I have seen it nearly 100 times. The soundtrack is ten out of a possible ten. 
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You Know You're From Florida: If you leave your beach stuff in the car all the time... just in case.
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Rant: So many of the graffiti-stained NBA players are really difficult to look at.
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Hmmm: If it is politically incorrect, but true, do you still have to keep your mouth shut?
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You Know You’re Old: When you no longer see speed limits as challenges.
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Didjaknow: Andy Roddick was the most recent American male to win a Grand Slam tennis event---2003’s US Open. Today, only three of our men are included in the Top 50.
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You Know You're From Florida: If your balcony or patio is overgrown with star jasmine, hibiscus, or orchids.
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Quote: “I refuse to eat with chopsticks when there's a perfectly good fork available.”—Chris DeCarlo.
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You Know You’re Old: When you want to take back all those times you didn’t nap when you were younger.
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Rave: “My Attorney Bernie” remains one of my favorite tunes. Written by the very clever David Frishberg. 
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Sidebar: I worked a very early single by David Frishberg, “Van Lingle Mungo.” To this day it remains a huge favorite. 
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You Know You're From Florida: If you're gardening in February when new leaves are coming out at the same time the old ones are falling.
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Bumper Sticker of the Month: “Legalize the Constitution.” Very apt due to the current regime in Washington.
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You Know You’re Old: If your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
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Quote: “Stupid is a great force in human affairs. And, the great force has a commander in chief (obama).”---P.J. O’Rourke.
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You Know You're From Florida: If you've never been to a tanning salon.
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One Final Thought: Attempted murder should carry the same penalty as first-degree murder. Otherwise you are simply rewarding incompetence.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
That is all.
As you were.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Curmudgeon in the Wry 543


Thursday, May 23, 2013---913 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 16 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Chock full of extraneous intensifiers.
If you don’t have more questions than answers, you are not really living.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Providing snap judgments and overreactions.
Filled with random nonsense.
Completely biased.
Don’t forget to floss.
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Rave: “The Falcon” series.
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On the Hi Fi: “I’ll Be Seeing You” by Tommy Dorsey and Frank Sinatra.
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Under rated: Chester Morris.
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Truism: Anytime a person says, "How should I know?" — they know.
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Hmmm: I'll bet you have at least one gift certificate sitting in a drawer someplace that is at least five years old.
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You Know You’re Old: If you know Morse code.
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Rant: All the depressing Don Draper flashbacks are making “Mad Men” difficult to enjoy. It’s season six, why do we need more backstory. The thrill is gone.
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Anybody who says: "Let's get lunch sometime," intends never to have lunch with you.
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You Know You're From Florida If: A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
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I’m curious: Why is daylight always "broad"? Has no one ever been robbed in "narrow" daylight?
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Quote: “The difference between obama and Nixon is that obama will require ‘I am not a crook’ on prompter.”---Dennis Miller.
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Truism: You never forget not getting a thank you note for a gift.
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Bumper sticker spotted on I-4: “Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!”
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Just asking: How come the people at Happy Hour rarely are?
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Ben Stein Quote: “Hillary Clinton is a woman who traveled one million miles with no positive accomplishments as Secretary of State.”
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You Know You're From Florida if: You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
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Hmmm: Why do the instructions always tell us to store the thing in a "cool, dry place." Does anybody really have a cool, dry place at home? And if we did, wouldn't it be full by now?
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You Know You’re Old: If you ever cut a stencil for a mimeograph machine.
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Anybody who says: "Don't be a stranger," wants you to remain a stranger
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You Know You're From Florida If: You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
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Hmmm: Why do damsels always have to be in distress?
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Wondering: Have you ever used a laundry list for laundry?
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You Know You’re Old: If you remember when movie theaters had ushers.
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Hot tip: If somebody could invent a way for left-handed people to use fountain pens and not drag their hands through the ink, they'd make a million bucks.
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Another hot tip: Make the last 3 feet of dental floss a different color. That way, you'd know when you were about to run out.
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Quote: “Those who beat their guns into plowshares will soon be plowing for those who don’t.”—Thomas Jefferson.
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Truism: If someone says, "It may be none of my business," he's right.
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No bargain: Cheap flashlights are never worth it.
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Strange But Allegedly True: Police in Wichita, Kan., arrested a man at a hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills. I feel certain he was one of those low information voters.
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You Know You're From Florida If: You know why flamingos are pink.
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Strange but true: We all know that Julius Caesar "crossed the Rubicon," but today nobody is sure where the river Rubicon really is.
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You Know You’re Old: If your kitchen had linoleum.
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Amen: Along with maps, rental car companies should distribute instructions on how to turn the lights on and windshield wipers off.
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No doubt: Any more than 12 gears on a bicycle is just showing off.
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Word to the wise: Never praise one woman's perfume to another.
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Travel tip: When traveling alone, always get a hotel room with two beds. The bed farthest away from the TV will always be in better shape
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You Know You're From Florida If: You measure distance in minutes.
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Rave: Loved this line from Bruce DeSilva’s latest novel, “Cliff Walk.” “Finally I landed on a Charlie Rose interview with some economist I’d never heard of. Rose was the television equivalent of a bottle of Ambien and a whiskey chaser, but I was so restless that not even he could put me to sleep.”
The book is a keeper…highly recommended!
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Hmmm: When's the last time you saw a wishing well that really worked?
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Truism: There is no snob like a wine snob.
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You Know You’re Old: If you thought you knew which twin had the Toni.
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Ever notice: Elevator doors never close convincingly on TV shows…especially on “Mad Men.”
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You Know You're From Florida If: You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
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You Know You’re Old: If you can remember what a test pattern was.
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You Know You're From Florida If: You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
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One Final Thought: You needed a math degree from MIT to count the number of times the narcissist-in-chief used the words I, me and my in his presser today.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
That is all.
As you were.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Currently Reading Dan Brown's "Inferno."


I followed Doubleday’s pitch and plunged into “Inferno” by Dan Brown…and the game is afoot. Should be a fun read.

Next up is the Edgar Award winner, “Live By Night” from Dennis Lehane. It takes place in the Roaring ‘20s in Boston and Tampa. Can’t wait.

What’s on your reading schedule?

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Currently reading.


Knocked off the first 100 pages of "Breaking Point" by C.J. Box in short order. He is one my real favorites. Everyone of his books has held my interest from start to finish. This one has great momentum as well.

Next up the latest from Dan Brown, "Inferno." His books may be pop entertainment...no matter, I find them to be wonderful leisure enjoyment.

What are you reading and looking forward to in your summer reading program?

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Curmudgeon in the Wry 542


Saturday, May 11, 2013---669 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 29 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Chock full of extraneous intensifiers.
If you don’t have more questions than answers, you are not really living.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Providing snap judgments and overreactions.
Don’t forget to floss.
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Rave: “Double Indemnity.” Can you honestly think of a modern movie that has the wit, soul and suspense of this classic?
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On the Hi Fi: Dave Brubeck’s “Time Out.”
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Under rated: Zachary Scott.
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Truism: The world you live in may only be a figment of your imagination.
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Quote: “Embracing the convenient at the expense of the effective is where the failure happens.”—Seth Godin.
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Hmmm: It’s not so much who you know---it’s who knows you.
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Rave: Really love this Google Doodle. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MK09vd_YG0
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Rant: When was the last time the airlines actually meant it when they said, “We’re sorry for the inconvenience?”
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Didjaknow: Hawaii is the USA’s southernmost state.
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Truism: When you hang around folks better than you, a strange thing happens…you get better as well.
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Numbers Game: At Wimbledon this year, first-round losers will take home $35,800. It's worth mentioning because Bjorn Borg took home $30,500 after winning the 1980 Wimbledon title.
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Rimshot: The shortest distance between two jokes……………………….a straight line.
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Truism: If most Federal Government workers depended on tips for a living, they would starve to death.
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Remember when: During the Bush years of the Iraq War, Garry Trudeau would dedicate entire Sunday strips of Doonesbury to listing the names of the fallen warriors. Evidently when soldiers die under obama, it doesn’t warrant attention. And, the left is telling you the media is not biased.
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Hmmm: Can you remember calling a company when it wasn’t experiencing heavy volume?
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Think about it: Most Yes Men don’t ever have the power to say yes.
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Quote: “Why should I care what a group calling themselves minorities want? I only care about deserving individuals, not groups.”—George Johns.
To that, I say Bravo! Wish that I had come up with the quote on my own.
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Truism: Everyone is self-motivated…you just have to find out what they like to do and let them do it.
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Rave: I truly admire people who can gift-wrap.
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Rant: Is there some kind of rule that says when a web site is redesigned it is always more difficult to read than before?
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Hmmm: How come they don't spell gullible correctly in the dictionary?
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Didjaknow: The 1957 Edsel was the first car designed using market research.
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Try this at home: Challenge yourself, try to solve the crossword puzzle using only the down clues.
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Quote: H.L. Mencken, the cynical sage of Baltimore, wrote, nearly a century ago, “As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”—That day is now.
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Rant: Never believe that you will be able to figure out a hotel clock radio.
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Rimshot: I attempted to catch some fog---but I mist.
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Hmmm: Whatever happened to all those periscopes we used to see at golf tournaments?
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Sand in my shoes: Nobody ever moved to Florida to work harder.
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One Final Thought: Hugh O’Brien (“The Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp’’) was 81 years old when he first married.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
That is all.
As you were.