Saturday, December 17, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 589

Saturday, December 17, 2016---968 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 33 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
+++++++
Rave: Jay Bilas…easily ESPN’s best commentator in any sport.
+++++++      
Reading: “Off the Grid”—Outstanding thriller from C.J. Box.      
+++++++
On the Hi Fi:  “Swing Street” by Deana Martin. Not only is this a terrific album, she dedicates it to the troops, active and retired.
+++++++
Under Rated: Dick Enberg. After decades behind the microphone, he retired at 81. He covered virtually every sport and all the big events.
Like Vin Scully, he was not a screamer or showoff…unfortunately, a vanishing breed. 
+++++++
You Don’t Have To Be A Ph.D.: How many North Carolina freshmen basketball players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.
+++++++
But, Who’s Keeping Score: There are more commercials during an NFL game than there are great plays, and it's not even close.
+++++++
Dream On: After visiting the DMV and/or Post office would you vote for increased benefits for them?
+++++++
As Time Goes By: You know the culture has passed you by, when you realize that there's not one hit song you like, and it has been a long time since there was one.
+++++++
Straight Talk: It was Ernie Harwell who said, “On TV you get the movie. The game on the radio is the novel.”
+++++++
Comedy of Errors: In ACC play, Boston College lost to FSU, Virginia Tech, Clemson and Louisville by a combined 202-24. And they’re going to a bowl game!
+++++++
Bottom Line: What do you suppose the royalties are for “We Are the Champions?”
+++++++
Stay Tuned: You will never be completely happy until what you think and what you say are the same.
+++++++
Nobody Asked, But: If you’re not living with a woman or expecting one to show up any time soon are you still expected to put the toilet seat up?
+++++++
Rant: The American flag bunting that for decades rimmed the outsides of nearly all the stands during the World Series was greatly reduced so as not cover the ads sold and placed for TV exposure.
+++++++
Hmmm: Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
+++++++
Quote: “ Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.” – Mark Twain.
+++++++
Fielder’s Choice: The Yankees are retiring Derek Jeter’s #2. That makes 21 numbers retired. Shortly the team will have to use Roman Numerals or fractions.
+++++++
Conspicuously Stupid: Voting Bud “Sgt. Schultz” Selig into the Baseball Hall of Fame (on the first ballot, no less) is an insult to the intelligence of fans everywhere. What a crock!
The HOF used to have standards.
It is as if Selig set fire to the building and is now being rewarded for calling the fire department.
+++++++
Warning: The next time someone asks me for a ballpark figure, I’ll ask them if they mean Yankee Stadium or Fenway Park. Even generalities have to be qualified.”
+++++++
Hmmm: Why does free Wi-Fi always seem to be down?
+++++++
But, don’t get me wrong, I love sports: With the passing of Ralph Branca comes this profound quote, “If ‘The Shot Heard ‘Round the World’ happened today, it would occur at about midnight.”—Bill King.
+++++++
Even Worse: ESPN once showed Bobby Thompson’s homer…then identified it as a “walk-off” that won the “1951 NLCS.” Seriously! You could not make that up.
+++++++
Food for Thought: The “send” button is not always your friend.
+++++++
But, don’t get me wrong, I love sports II: I get cranky every time I hear some moronic sports talking head erroneously call an “off week” a “bye week.”
+++++++
You Know You’re Old: If you wondered how they got those “eight big tomatoes in that itty-bitty can.”
+++++++
Pet Peeve: Many too many sports talking heads persist in using jargon when simple English is called for.
+++++++
Overkill: Most play-by-play men and color guys would sound twice as good if they said half as much.
+++++++
Don’t Look Now: Seeing as how left-wing politics doesn’t work very well on radio, I wonder why they think it will work any better on TV.
I'm that guy, KVD
+++++++
Didjaknow: During Tom Brady’s rookie season (2000), the Pats had four quarterbacks. Brady was fourth on the depth chart.
+++++++
Quote: From Tom Brady, when asked who his favorite receiver is, “The open one.”
+++++++
This I Believe: Ted Williams was the greatest hitter ever.
+++++++
For the Record: Hollywood has phased me out.
+++++++
Earth to Kim Kardashian: In the world of reality, staying in a Paris hotel with an estimated $10 million in jewelry with you redefines clueless.
+++++++
Not So Fast: What takes longer; a microwave minute or a treadmill minute?
+++++++
For Crying Out Loud: A few weeks ago, two teams that traditionally wear red to match their nicknames {Stanford Cardinal and Rutgers Scarlet Knights} wore Nike Bad-Boy Black. Karma nailed them. Playing at home, they lost by a combined 120-16. The price of being tragically hip and a slave to fashion.
+++++++
Quote: “I ordered the chicken and egg sandwich at the diner…to see which came first.”—Steven Wright.
+++++++
Final Thought:  When in doubt, order take-out.
+++++++
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were





Tuesday, October 04, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 588

Tuesday, October 04, 2016---673 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 11
Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
+++++++
Rave: Lou Dobbs.
+++++++
Reading: “Night Prey” by John Sandford.
+++++++
On the Hi Fi: Houston Person’s “Sentimental Journey.”
+++++++
Under Rated: Rob Lowe.
+++++++
Quote: “ There's nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.” -- Peter F. Drucker.
+++++++
Let This Sink In: The NCAA plays games in Cuba and China. However, they refuse to play games in North Carolina because of “human rights violations.”
+++++++
Show of Hands: Anyone ever seen a “water-saving” toilet you did not have to flush at least twice?
+++++++
This & That: Some stereotyping is well deserved.
+++++++
Father & Son: Calvin Hill (NFL. 1969) and Grant Hill (NBA, 1995) were Rookies of the Year in their respective sports.
+++++++
IQ Test: I have this theory that a guy’s intelligence can be determined by how far around his head the bill on his baseball cap is turned. Backwards is a complete ass, unless he is a catcher or a sniper.
+++++++
Quote: “Americans love to say they think outside the box. Trump lives outside the box. Hillary is the box.”—Peggy Noonan.
+++++++
As Time Goes By: When the Howard Johnson’s in Bangor, Maine closed on September sixth…only one HoJo’s remained, located in Lake George, NY.
+++++++
Sorting It Out: The only difference between a cynic and a realist is whether or not you agree with him.
+++++++
Doesn’t Add Up: How do college athletes afford all those hair extensions.
+++++++
Common Sense: Ketchup on a hot dog is never permissible.
+++++++
Department of Redundancy Department: Mix together, same exact, brief summary, IRA Account, final ending, soaking wet, frozen solid.
+++++++
Common senselessness: With the epidemic spread of shameful player behavior in the National Felony League, it is time for a personal fouls fantasy league. If you draft Odell Beckham, Antonio Brown and Pacman Jones, you’ll be the favorite.
+++++++
Idle Thought: Non-treats include undercooked spaghetti, cold stethoscopes, unseen potholes, beanbag chairs, and wax fruit centerpieces.
+++++++
Numbers Game: David Ortiz just passed Mickey Mantle for #17 on the all time home run list.
+++++++
Sorting It Out: After David Ortiz passed Mickey Mantle on the career home run list; it occurred to me what a physical wonder The Mick must have been to hit so many homers while using PDDs---Performance Deenhancing Drugs {such as alcohol). Now…that’s old school slugging.
+++++++
Raise Your Hand: If you ever knowingly paid more in taxes than you had to.
+++++++
Captain Obvious: Life becomes far less complicated when you realize that no decision is a decision.
+++++++
Pop Quiz: 1) Do you have an accountant? If you answered yes, go to question 2.
2) How often have you asked him to ignore deductions and losses?
+++++++
Weekly Briefing: Not even Tom Selleck can convince me that a reverse mortgage is a good deal.
+++++++
Not So Fast: Ever wonder why magazine companies send out renewal notices about nine months before your subscription expires.
+++++++
True or False: Dick Tracy only goes after deformed criminals.
+++++++
The Band Played On: Colleagues honor, but cannot match Vin Scully. These boobs line up to honor Scully, but few are anything like him. Seems radio and TV execs prefer to hire screamers packing self-promotional gimmicks.
+++++++
Final Thought: Surrounding yourself with people smarter than you makes you the smartest person in the room. 
+++++++
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.

As you were

Monday, September 12, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 587

Monday, September 12, 2016---992 Words---Average
Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 23 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
+++++++
Rave: Robert Taylor.
+++++++
Reading: “Crimson Joy” by Robert B. Parker. Spenser and Hawk in 1988---pay phones and smoking abound.
+++++++
On the Hi Fi: Everything But the Girl’s “Language of Love.”
+++++++
Under Rated: Lee Tracy.
+++++++
Quote: From Bill Belichick when asked if he had anything planned for Tom Brady's birthday: "Practicing.''
+++++++
Truism: Showing up is not a skill.
+++++++
My Favorite Quote from the Olympics: From woman’s basketball star and four time gold medal Olympian Diana Taurasi, when asked if the US team was too good, “If you like basketball, I think you’d like watching good basketball. And, if you don’t like good basketball, I don’t know---go watch rowing.”
+++++++_
Tally Ho: If A-Rod were a car, he'd no longer be a hot rod. He's leaking oil, the tires are bald and, at age 41, it's painful to watch.
+++++++
Trick Question: What does the “P” in ESPN stand for today? The “P” is now for politics, but only leftist politics.
+++++++
A Blind Eye: ESPN has been in the habit of hiring the wrong man for the wrong position for the wrong reason so often that every time a pro athlete is arrested or a college coach is busted for running a crooked program, they say they are just auditioning for ESPN.
+++++++
You Know You’re Old: If you remember when your folks used you as the remote for the TV.
+++++++
Don’t Look Now: Men’s tennis needs a big-time American star. We have a few very good ones on the rise in the women’s game…a very bright future.
+++++++
Cut and Dry: WTF is correct about politically correct?
+++++++
Quote: "I wonder how many lives were lost during WWII, Korea, Vietnam, and other wars so that Kaepernick could sit on his ass during our National Anthem.”—P.J. Chuvala.
+++++++
Great Expectations: The Yankees will pay Alex Rodriguez $20million not to play next season.
Or as team publicists prefer to spin it, a record contract for a designated sitter.
+++++++
Don’t Look Now: You never see a gorgeous woman at a bus stop.
+++++++
Aptly Named: John Calipari’s new book---“Success is the Only Option: The Art of Coaching Supreme Talent.”
+++++++
Quote: “When you win, nothing hurts.”---Joe Namath.
+++++++
You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up: The Twins-Astros game in Minneapolis was rained out — on Umbrella Night.
+++++++
Sound Advice: I used to love the summer songs on the radio…no longer. They just don’t make them like “Barbara Ann” by The Regents during the summer of 1961.
+++++++
You Know You’re Old: If you remember when we were told that Elvis would lead an entire generation of American kids down the expressway to Hell. He wouldn’t even qualify for the opening act in Beyonce’s America.
+++++++
Nobody Asked, But: How would Hoover have handled the Mrs. Bill Clinton situation?
+++++++
Didjaknow: Ken Griffey Jr. was the first #1 pick in the baseball draft to be elected to the Hall of Fame.
+++++++
Hmmm: Why do religious leaders wear such funny hats?
+++++++
Humor Me: How did we create a generation of college students who believe they should never be made uncomfortable by someone else’s point of view?
+++++++
Another Truism: Good enough is the mortal enemy of great.
+++++++
Imagine That: Hybrid and electric vehicles account for fewer than 3% of those on the road.
+++++++
For the Record: Only two men on the U.S. Olympic basketball team had been in the Olympics before, Carmelo Anthony and Kevin Durant. Yet, even without a true pass-first point guard, Coach K. coached them up to another gold medal.
+++++++
It’s Elementary: Never be the one who has the cell phone go off in church or at the movies---ever! Turn it off.
+++++++
FYI: The Pac-12 had the nation’s top 3 universities with Olympic competitors in Rio–USC (44), California (41), Stanford (39), while UCLA (29) is fifth behind Florida (31)
+++++++
Common Sense Alert: Wearing headphones does not mean that others have lost their hearing…don’t yell.
+++++++
Gee Whiz: I've finally learned to deal with the fact that I can't keep up with the Kardashians and I'm trying to live with it.
+++++++
More Blather: “Gotta minute” is a signal that an interruption is coming.
+++++++
Quote: TC Chong, on beach volleyball players wearing either 1 or 2: “So have the other 97 numbers been retired?”
+++++++
Earth to Cable News Stations: Why would anybody think a liberal’s view of Trump or a conservative’s view of Hillary be of interest to anybody?
+++++++
Current Events: The world will never run out of Hollywood starlets.
+++++++
Bottom Line: Never go to more than two meetings a day, or you will get nothing done.
+++++++
The Beat Goes On: Most protests end with the demand for free money. 
+++++++
Speaking of Tom Brady: He has won 22 playoff games, an NFL record.
+++++++
Works for Me: Never miss a deadline---ever!
+++++++
Turn Off Your iPhone: If you give someone your undivided attention, chances are they'll do likewise.
+++++++
Quote: Alice Cooper: "I hate it when fans go, 'Who should I vote for?' ... We're rock stars. We're dumber than you.''
+++++++
Consider This: A whistle and a clipboard often will put you in charge.
+++++++
Final Thought: Absolutely nothing can stop a great idea.
+++++++
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were



Sunday, July 10, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 586

Sunday, July 10, 2016---736 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 3 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
+++++++
Rave: LaVern Baker.
+++++++
Reading: “Before the Fall” by Noah Hawley. Outstanding!
+++++++
On the Hi Fi: “The Language of Life” by Everything But the Girl.
+++++++
Under Rated: Helen O’Connell.
+++++++
Lush Life: While some may consider grass court tennis a 21st Century anachronism…no sports venue televises as richly as the green-on-green look of Wimbledon.
+++++++
Good Call: The players wearing all white is a huge plus as well. Wimbledon is the classiest act in sports.
+++++++
Quote: “ Everything you do or say is public relations.” – Anon.
+++++++
Flashback: The Yankees were a lot more fun when they were the Bronx Zoo.
+++++++
Rimshot: It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!
+++++++
Food for Thought: Keep cake moist by eating it all at one sitting.
+++++++
Over Rated: The MLB All Star Game and even more over rated is the home run hitting contest. The mandate for at least one player per team assures many too many “never-will-be” players will take the place of quality players…the bloated rosters guarantee even more unworthy players.
+++++++
By the Way: In 1962, MLB played two All Star Games (with true all stars)… the two All-Star Games ran a combined 4:51!
+++++++
Instant Analysis: Nothing worth learning is learned quickly, except parachuting.
+++++++
Another Rimshot: Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
+++++++
Quote: “ An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.” -- Laurence J. Peter.
+++++++
By the Way: Remember when there were summer songs?
*******
Easy Solution: Why not just suspend Trump University from playing in any bowl games next season?
+++++++
Hmmm: Why does the moon appear larger on the horizon than up in the sky?
+++++++
Yet Another Rimshot: A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
+++++++
Wondering: Why are the flush handles on toilets all located on the left side?
+++++++
Words of Wisdom: Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
+++++++
Hmmm: Are we still supposed to care about keeping up with the Kardashians?
+++++++
Food for Thought: If Theo’s Cubs win the World Series, he’s really close to the Hall of Fame.
+++++++
No Question: The more powerful you are, the funnier you are to those around you.
+++++++
Fast Break Culture: No horse can go as fast as the dough you put on it.
+++++++
If You Are Scoring at Home: Speaking of the Yankees, Alex Rodriguez has more strikeouts than hits.
+++++++
Final Rimshot: A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says, “Make me one with everything.”
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
The vendor replies, “change comes from within.”
+++++++
Dollars & Nonsense: The difference between business and government is that government has no bottom line.
+++++++
Truism: If there is no alternative, there is no problem.
+++++++
No Shit: “Digital ads are the root cause of digital ad blocking.”—NY Times CEO.
+++++++
Quote: “Is it still premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married?”—George Burns.
+++++++
Straight Talk: Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
+++++++
Final Thought: Everybody wants to be paid exactly what they are worth, as long as it is more than they are making.
+++++++
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were