Sunday, July 10, 2016

Curmudgeon in the Wry 586

Sunday, July 10, 2016---736 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 3 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: LaVern Baker.
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Reading: “Before the Fall” by Noah Hawley. Outstanding!
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On the Hi Fi: “The Language of Life” by Everything But the Girl.
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Under Rated: Helen O’Connell.
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Lush Life: While some may consider grass court tennis a 21st Century anachronism…no sports venue televises as richly as the green-on-green look of Wimbledon.
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Good Call: The players wearing all white is a huge plus as well. Wimbledon is the classiest act in sports.
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Quote: “ Everything you do or say is public relations.” – Anon.
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Flashback: The Yankees were a lot more fun when they were the Bronx Zoo.
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Rimshot: It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!
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Food for Thought: Keep cake moist by eating it all at one sitting.
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Over Rated: The MLB All Star Game and even more over rated is the home run hitting contest. The mandate for at least one player per team assures many too many “never-will-be” players will take the place of quality players…the bloated rosters guarantee even more unworthy players.
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By the Way: In 1962, MLB played two All Star Games (with true all stars)… the two All-Star Games ran a combined 4:51!
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Instant Analysis: Nothing worth learning is learned quickly, except parachuting.
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Another Rimshot: Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
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Quote: “ An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.” -- Laurence J. Peter.
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By the Way: Remember when there were summer songs?
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Easy Solution: Why not just suspend Trump University from playing in any bowl games next season?
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Hmmm: Why does the moon appear larger on the horizon than up in the sky?
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Yet Another Rimshot: A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
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Wondering: Why are the flush handles on toilets all located on the left side?
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Words of Wisdom: Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
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Hmmm: Are we still supposed to care about keeping up with the Kardashians?
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Food for Thought: If Theo’s Cubs win the World Series, he’s really close to the Hall of Fame.
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No Question: The more powerful you are, the funnier you are to those around you.
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Fast Break Culture: No horse can go as fast as the dough you put on it.
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If You Are Scoring at Home: Speaking of the Yankees, Alex Rodriguez has more strikeouts than hits.
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Final Rimshot: A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food-truck and says, “Make me one with everything.”
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
“Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
The vendor replies, “change comes from within.”
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Dollars & Nonsense: The difference between business and government is that government has no bottom line.
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Truism: If there is no alternative, there is no problem.
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No Shit: “Digital ads are the root cause of digital ad blocking.”—NY Times CEO.
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Quote: “Is it still premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married?”—George Burns.
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Straight Talk: Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
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Final Thought: Everybody wants to be paid exactly what they are worth, as long as it is more than they are making.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were