Friday, July 14, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 595

Friday, July 14, 2017--- 972 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 15 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001. 
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas.  
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Alfred Hitchcock.
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Reading: Robert B. Parker’s second Spenser novel, “God Save the Child” (1974).
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On the Hi Fi: “The Very Best of The Manhattan Transfer.” 
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Under Rated: William Bendix.
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Quote: “ Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.” -- Lillian Hellman.
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First Serve: For my money, Wimbledon is the ultimate tennis tournament. I think the players should wear white in all tournaments.
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TV Time Out: Tennis has the finest team of announcers and commentators. They are so excellent, even MSESPN cannot screw them up. John McEnroe and Chris Evert are my particular favorites.
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TV Time Out II: My favorite camera angle is the ground level from behind the player receiving serve. Makes you wonder how any first serve is returned.
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Bottom Line: The $2.8 million check for the men’s and women’s singles champs is double what it was in 2011. 
In 1980, the champion, Bjorn Borg took home $25,000.00.
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Just my type: The exclamation point didn't become a standard key on the keyboard until 1970.
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United Airlines is about to unveil the world’s longest flight, 8,700 miles from L.A. to Singapore — nearly 18 hours.
To help pass all that airtime, the in-flight movie will be replays of three Yankees-Red Sox games.
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Hmmm: Am I the only one who finds it a bit odd that the College World Series does not end until six weeks after the schools let out for the summer?
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It’s a Fact, Jack: A spotted animal can have a striped tail, but a striped animal can never have a spotted tail.
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Shocking: Benjamin Harrison was elected president in 1888, and was the first U.S. president to have electricity in the White House . . . but he never touched the light switches because he was afraid of getting electrocuted.
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Plus Shipping and Handling: The only advice worth listening to is the advice you ask for.
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Pretty Woman: There are more beautiful women in the world than there are decent men.  
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Word Games: There was a real man named Boycott who became a verb (and noun) in English (and other languages.
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Just Between Us: No man ever dreams about becoming the financial solution for a woman.
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Useless Magpies: Why do the MSESPN announcers think that they know more about the game than the players on the field? Especially true for the vile Sunday Night Baseball troika. 
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Bad TV: I do not need to be told the launch angle of a home run to enjoy the sight of a ball reaching the bleachers.
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Spelling Bee: The plural of vinyl is vinyl. 
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Brilliant Quote: From the Wall Street Journal’s Jason Gay, “Aging is undefeated. It gets everyone, even legends.”
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No Such Thing As A Free Lunch: “Like the saying goes, if you're not paying for the product, you are the product.”---Bob Hoffman, The Ad Contrarian.
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Leemans' Law: “Junk expands to fill the space allotted.”-- Ron Leemans
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Humble Beginnings: The first-ever comic book convention was in New York in 1964.  And the very first person to buy a ticket was . . . 15-year-old George R.R. Martin, the author of the "Game of Thrones" books.
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The Archetypal Little League Parent: Lonzo Ball’s father, LaVar Ball. It’s no contest.
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Time Is of the Essence: Four-hour baseball game? Really? If you went to a four-hour movie, you would wind up throwing things at the screen.
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Reality Check: How many passwords is someone supposed to have in one lifetime?
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The Name of the Game: Bluetooth is named after a 10th century Scandinavian king, Harald Bluetooth.  He united Danish tribes into one kingdom.  When Bluetooth technology was invented, they picked the name because it unified the way machines communicated.
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And the Band Played On: I miss those summer days when I could actually find a song on the radio I wanted to listen to.
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Common senselessness: Most of what MSESPN scrolls as pertinent info remains junk you would not repeat unless you wanted to be elected Village Idiot.
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Time Flies: So tell me Mr. and Mrs. Baseball Fan, what should we be doing with all that time being freed up for us by MLB’s automatic intentional walk rule?
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Number Please: There are 12 U.S. states that only have one area code:  Alaska, Delaware, Hawaii, Idaho, Maine, Montana, New Hampshire, North Dakota, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Vermont, and Wyoming.
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Looking Ahead: This week, the father of a player who will be on the next Rays’ championship team will be born.
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Quote: “Talent sets the floor.”—Bill Belichick.
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New Coke Stupid: Kanye West and the Kardashians deserve each other.
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Picture This: There were such low expectations for "Star Wars" that it was only on 42 screens nationwide for its opening weekend.
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True or False: In a better baseball world there would be a limit on relief pitchers.
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Many Too Many: The MLB All Star Game roster are so large, the selection process has turned into the big-league equivalent of  a participation trophy.
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Final Thought: Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran. 
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.

Sunday, June 04, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 594

Sunday, June 04, 2017--- 883 Words---Average Reading Time: 2 Minutes, 49 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Les Brown.
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Reading: Stephen Hunter’s exceptional “G-Man.”
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On the Hi Fi: “Stepping Out of a Dream” by Nat King Cole.
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Under Rated: Johnny Mercer.
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Rave: The “Carolina Shag” channel on XM. Songs you have never heard by unfamiliar artists…yet you can sing along almost immediately.
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Your Serve: I am glad we still have Roger Federer.
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Quote from Bob Hoffman (The Ad Contrarian): “One thought about virtual reality -- isn't actual reality bad enough?”
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TV Timeout: There will be season five for “The Blacklist.”
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My Take: Cheating at solitaire…a victimless and pointless crime.
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Joyless Discoveries: Locking your keys in the car and learning that your spare is flat.
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Ever Wonder: Why the professor on “Gilligan’s Island” could build a radio out of coconuts, but not a decent boat.
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Let’s Go to the Video: Technically, Mr. Met cannot flip the middle finger…he has but four fingers.
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I’m Outta Here: Watching (or attempting to) MLB has become insufferably tedious.
My top three pet peeves: Too much commercial time…wearisome replays…and the “by the book” managers who do not believe what they see and have no baseball instincts.
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Step On It: Standing up after your foot has fallen asleep is next to impossible.
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Not Fun: Misplacing the remote.
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Hmmm: Where did the expression "laundry list" come from? Who needs a list for their laundry?
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Highway Robbery: Why is daylight always "broad"? Has no one ever been robbed in "narrow" daylight?
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You Know You’re Old: If you can remember when movies had ushers.
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Rant: Why do so many of today’s MLB players consider running hard to first optional?
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Jump Ball: The idiot sports talkers limit the mind-numbing debate over who is the greatest basketball player to Michael Jordan and LeBron James.
If championships mean anything, then Bill Russell’s eleven for the Celtics gets my vote.
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For What It’s Worth: I'll bet you have at least one gift certificate sitting in a drawer someplace that is at least five years old.
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Quote: "At gambling, the deadly sin is to mistake bad play for bad luck."—Casino Royale, 1953, Ian Fleming.
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Hmmm: I have no recollection of Russia influencing my vote.
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Twinkle, Twinkle: The 22 stars surrounding the Paramount Pictures logo represent the 22 movie stars they originally signed in 1916.
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Sand Through the Hourglass: With baseball games currently taking a tediously three and half hours or more…it is worth remembering that Game 7 of the 1960 World Series (the Mazeroski homer game) was played in a nifty 2:36.
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Oh Canada: The last time a Canadian team won the NHL Stanley Cup was 1993.
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Truism: You never forget not getting a thank you note for a gift.
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Didjaknow:  Daniel Webster turned down the offer to be vice president twice in the 1800s, because he only wanted to be president.  The offers came from William Henry Harrison and Zachary Taylor . . . both died in office.
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Reality Check: No matter what the airport video monitors say, you are never confident you are waiting at the right luggage carousel until you see a person from the same flight standing there with you.
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Progress Report: Does anyone know if they are getting any closer to locating the murders of OJ’s ex-wife?
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Factoid: Nintendo named Mario after the landlord of their first warehouse, Mario Segale.  It was a way to get an extension on paying rent.
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It’s a Fact, Jack: The North and South Poles do not officially have time zones.  In the North Pole, each research station uses the time from its home country. 
In the South they use the New Zealand time zone since the majority of people fly in from there.
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Spelling Bee: Graffiti is plural.  The singular form of the word is graffito
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Quote: “The cynics are right nine times out of ten.” -- Henry Louis Mencken.
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But Who’s Counting: One pound of dimes and one pound of quarters are worth the same amount.  Two hundred dimes weigh one pound and are worth $20 . . . 80 quarters weigh one pound and are worth $20.
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Putting It Altogether: Ikea started as a mail-order business that sold pencils and postcards.
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Wait, I’m Not Done Yet: When was the last time it was easy to locate the start of a roll of tape?
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Idle Thought: It appears that Phil Jackson is looking forward to the Knicks’ 24th consecutive rebuilding season.
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Final Thought: The people who have figured out how to beat the welfare and unemployment systems are mostly those who do not deserve it.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.



Saturday, May 13, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 593

Saturday, May 13, 2017--- 1022 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 19 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Katie Hopkins.
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Reading: “The Nowhere Man” by Gregg Hurwitz.
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On the Hi Fi: “The Best of Laura Nyro.” 
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Under Rated: EVELYN KEYES
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Executive Decision: The only American president to own a patent was Abraham Lincoln.  When he was a lawyer, he patented a flat-bottomed boat design.  It never went to market.
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Quote: “ Let's have some new clich├ęs.” -- Samuel Goldwyn.
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Spelling Bee: There are only two words in the English language that end in "gry" . . . angry and hungry.
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Space Oddity: According to NASA, the Las Vegas Strip is the brightest spot on Earth from space.
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New Coke Stupid: MSESPN’s three-headed-yack-box make the Sunday Night MLB telecasts impossible to watch.
They are too busy not covering the game to cover the game.
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Numbers Game: After the Yankees retire Derek Jeter’s #2 jersey, they will be out of single digit uniform numbers.
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Jump Ball: The designer who created the NBA logo also made the 1040-EZ-tax form.
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Dollars and Sense: Free Wi-Fi is only free because…how could you charge for something that never works?
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Jumpin’ Jehosophat: No Celtic has ever won an NBA scoring title
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TV Time Out: I thought “The Blacklist” really lost it when the season kicked off in the fall…and I had zero interest in the spinoff that showed up mid-season. However, the return with the two-part back-story on Mr. Kaplan was outstanding and won me over once again.
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Progress Report: Seems to me that there are too many cranes in the sky and orange barrels on the road.
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Quote: “The more you know, the more you know you don't know.” Aristotle
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Civics 101: People who shout down speakers they disagree with should be given an American History lesson.
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Comic Relief: Mort Walker, creator of the "Beetle Bailey" and "Hi and Lois" comic strips, came up with the idea for using random symbols like exclamation points and hashtags to represent swear words in cartoons.  And the official term for it is grawlix.
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Quote: “When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed, and when you’re older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself out.”—Casey Stengel.
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Nobody Move: It took a while, but I finally figured out the essence of Zumba. They choose the absolute worst music possible and play it so loudly, it is painful.
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Irrelevant Revelation: There is enough cash in circulation in the United States that every single person in the country could carry around $4,200.
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Setting the Bar: Haw bad are movies today? I cannot find one to go to…and my standards are pretty low.
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Simply the Best: They did not make two of Chuck Berry, who rolled over to the Great Beyond at 90.
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Fielder’s Choice: Carl Yastrzemski’s grandson is a prospect with the Orioles, playing at AAA Norfolk this season. If that doesn’t make you feel old…
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The Band Played On: You always like the music you grew up with.
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No Question About It: Alex Rodriguez while talking about his past mistakes, “I think I was just being a big jerk, you know. I was just a really big jerk.” No argument here.
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Imagine That: The NYT’s Leigh Steinberg says a conservative professional athlete is a former campus liberal who just saw the withholding from his first bonus check.
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Fruit Salad: A strawberry isn’t a berry but a banana is. Avocados and watermelon are berries, too.
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For What It’s Worth: Millennials just overtook baby boomers as the biggest age group in the country.
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Good Chemistry: Never trust an atom…they make up everything.
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Quotes from Bob Hoffman (The Ad Contrarian): "Social Media: Tens of millions of disagreeable people looking to make trouble."
"Marketers prefer precise answers that are wrong to imprecise answers that are right."
"The idea that the same consumer who was frantically clicking her TV remote to escape from advertising was going to merrily click her mouse to interact with it is going to go down as one of the great advertising delusions of all time."
"Nobody really knows what "creativity" is. Every year thousands of people take a pilgrimage to find out. This involves flying to Cannes, snorting cocaine, and having sex with smokers."
"Nobody ever got famous predicting that things would stay pretty much the same."
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Say Good Night Gracie: Most of the contestants on "The Voice" will never be that big again.
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You Know You Are Not Paying Attention: When the waitress says, "Enjoy your meal" and you reply, "You, too!"
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Say It Again Sam: An old baseball adage goes, “You never have enough pitching, even when you think you do.”
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Rhetorical Question: Are none of the colleges that appear at the NFL draft embarrassed that so many of their full scholarship “student-athletes” are unable to speak even marginally correct English?
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Tom Brady’s Jersey: Where is Inspector Clouseau when you need him.”
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Random Thought: The word "oxymoron" is actually an oxymoron.  It's the combination of two Greek words:  Oxy, meaning sharp and keen . . . and moron, meaning dull and stupid.
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Quote: From Shaquille O'Neal, when asked if he visited the Parthenon on a trip to Greece, “I can’t really remember all the clubs we went to.”
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Final Thought: You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment the cat wants to do it.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.



Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 592

Wednesday, March 22, 2017--- 1035 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 2 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Once you put it down, it is quite easy not to pick it up again.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Gluten Free.
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
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Rave: Robert Montgomery.
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Reading: “One Strange Date” by Laurence Shames.
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On the Hi Fi:  Sonny Stitt and Milt Jackson—“In the Beginning.”
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Under Rated: Audrey Totter.
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Quote: From Charles Barkley on the back cover of George Karl's new book: ''George Karl has always been one of my favorite coaches. Why? In Game Seven of the 1993 Western Conference finals, I scored 44 points against his team. ...That's why.''
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Jump Ball: No professional athlete is as good as he claims to be.
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Rant: How can ESPN continue to insult the intelligence of college basketball fans with that magpie, Seth Greenberg? He ended his college coaching career unable to escape mediocrity at Virginia Tech with just one NCAA bid in nine years.
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On Demand Stupidity: Why is it that the moment actor achieves any success they become an expert on politics and life?
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As Time Goes By: Sometimes a turned down marriage proposal can be looked at later as a wonderful unanswered prayer.
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Enough Already: The overuse of “checks all the boxes” is driving me crazy…just as did “at the end of the day.”
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It’s Academic: We have more ways to communicate now than we have things to communicate.
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Twofer: Philip Noel-Baker from England is the only person who's ever won an Olympic medal and received a Nobel Prize.  He won silver in the 1500 meters at the 1920 Olympics, then went into politics and won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1959.
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Reality Check: Most things that they claim are being done for safety reasons have little to do with safety…and a lot to do with incompetence.
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Quote: Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, on the Royals’ Triple Play Dog featuring a hot dog wrapped in a burger patty wrapped in bacon: “It’d be healthier to throw this away and eat a baseball.”
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Show of Hands: When President Trump refers to hard working Americans, he is not talking about government workers, is he?
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Hmmm: Have you ever noticed that when you need a solution for a big problem you always tend to look up?
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Factoid: Prison is the only place where the government pays for health care, education, clothing, housing and utilities.
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Rule of Defactualization: “Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.”—Unknown.
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Ever Notice: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and somebody always answers.
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Too Much: Continuing to sell the person who has already said yes can lead to a "no."
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Humor Me: When you attempt to show that a machine will not work, it will.
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Quote: “When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.” – Anon.
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Great Expectations: Anything is possible if you do not know what you are talking about.
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Off Course: The Big Ten basketball tournament was held in Washington, D.C., the ACC tournament in Brooklyn, N.Y. This is what happens when our schools de-emphasize the teaching of geography.
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Sunshine State: Nobody moved to Florida to work harder.
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Priorities: I wonder how many people would want to come to the USA if they could not collect welfare.
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Didjaknow: The reason karate belts go white, yellow, orange, green, blue, purple, brown, red, black is because fighters used to only be able to afford one belt . . . so they would keep dying it darker and darker as they progressed.
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Pop Quiz: What is the difference between a rostrum, dais, lectern and podium? Remember, neatness counts.
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Nobody Asked, But: It is said that one of the most pleasurable things you can do is to forgive an enemy. I am not ready for that kind of pleasure.
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Quote: “Coaching is easy; winning is hard.”—Elgin Baylor.
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You Don’t Have To Be A Ph.D.: You cannot force chemistry.
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Ahead of the Curve: Surrounding yourself with people smarter than you, makes you the most intelligent guy in the room.
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Both Sides Now: Oregon is the only state to feature a double-sided flag. The flag is two-sided in navy blue and gold with an optional gold fringe. On the front is the escutcheon from the state seal and on the reverse is a gold figure of a beaver, the state animal.
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Quote: "The U.S. Constitution does not guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself."--Benjamin Franklin.
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Play Ball: Is it true that MLB will announce another “modification” to speed up games? It’s rumored that the seventh inning stretch will be conducted before games---at the same time The National Anthem is played.
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Beyond the Arc: The Celtics’ Chris Ford hit the initial three-pointer in NBA history. October, 1979 in the Boston Garden.
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Spring Forward: Last NFL season was the first time all four teams in the NFC West division were actually located in the west.  Since the Rams moved back to Los Angeles from St. Louis, the four teams were in L.A., San Francisco, Seattle, and Phoenix.
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Quote: “A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.”--Don Quinn.
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Irony Alert:  No one knows for sure when the fire hydrant was invented . . . because the patent was lost in a fire at the U.S. patent office in 1836.
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Final Thought: The way they figured out how to get those food carts to go down the aisle on an airplane a whole lot quicker was by charging for everything on them.
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If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.