Saturday, May 13, 2017

Curmudgeon in the Wry 593

Saturday, May 13, 2017--- 1022 Words---Average Reading Time: 3 Minutes, 19 Seconds. (A pointless waste of time---time frittered away)
No French Fry Left Behind.
Free shipping and handling.
Back by the demand of virtually no one.
Seeking only to enlighten and amuse.
Offending readers and hindering productivity one issue at a time since 2001.
Continuing to call them as I see them.
Virtually free of original ideas. 
Warning: Contains unsound bites from the apple of life.
Often wrong…never in doubt.
If you want this in a different language…move to a country that speaks it!
Viewer Indiscretion Is Advised.
+++++++
Rave: Katie Hopkins.
+++++++      
Reading: “The Nowhere Man” by Gregg Hurwitz.
+++++++
On the Hi Fi: “The Best of Laura Nyro.” 
+++++++
Under Rated: EVELYN KEYES
+++++++
Executive Decision: The only American president to own a patent was Abraham Lincoln.  When he was a lawyer, he patented a flat-bottomed boat design.  It never went to market.
+++++++
Quote: “ Let's have some new clich├ęs.” -- Samuel Goldwyn.
+++++++
Spelling Bee: There are only two words in the English language that end in "gry" . . . angry and hungry.
+++++++
Space Oddity: According to NASA, the Las Vegas Strip is the brightest spot on Earth from space.
+++++++
New Coke Stupid: MSESPN’s three-headed-yack-box make the Sunday Night MLB telecasts impossible to watch.
They are too busy not covering the game to cover the game.
+++++++
Numbers Game: After the Yankees retire Derek Jeter’s #2 jersey, they will be out of single digit uniform numbers.
+++++++
Jump Ball: The designer who created the NBA logo also made the 1040-EZ-tax form.
+++++++
Dollars and Sense: Free Wi-Fi is only free because…how could you charge for something that never works?
+++++++
Jumpin’ Jehosophat: No Celtic has ever won an NBA scoring title
+++++++
TV Time Out: I thought “The Blacklist” really lost it when the season kicked off in the fall…and I had zero interest in the spinoff that showed up mid-season. However, the return with the two-part back-story on Mr. Kaplan was outstanding and won me over once again.
+++++++
Progress Report: Seems to me that there are too many cranes in the sky and orange barrels on the road.
+++++++
Quote: “The more you know, the more you know you don't know.” Aristotle
+++++++
Civics 101: People who shout down speakers they disagree with should be given an American History lesson.
+++++++
Comic Relief: Mort Walker, creator of the "Beetle Bailey" and "Hi and Lois" comic strips, came up with the idea for using random symbols like exclamation points and hashtags to represent swear words in cartoons.  And the official term for it is grawlix.
+++++++
Quote: “When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed, and when you’re older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself out.”—Casey Stengel.
+++++++
Nobody Move: It took a while, but I finally figured out the essence of Zumba. They choose the absolute worst music possible and play it so loudly, it is painful.
+++++++
Irrelevant Revelation: There is enough cash in circulation in the United States that every single person in the country could carry around $4,200.
+++++++
Setting the Bar: Haw bad are movies today? I cannot find one to go to…and my standards are pretty low.
+++++++
Simply the Best: They did not make two of Chuck Berry, who rolled over to the Great Beyond at 90.
+++++++
Fielder’s Choice: Carl Yastrzemski’s grandson is a prospect with the Orioles, playing at AAA Norfolk this season. If that doesn’t make you feel old…
+++++++
The Band Played On: You always like the music you grew up with.
+++++++
No Question About It: Alex Rodriguez while talking about his past mistakes, “I think I was just being a big jerk, you know. I was just a really big jerk.” No argument here.
+++++++
Imagine That: The NYT’s Leigh Steinberg says a conservative professional athlete is a former campus liberal who just saw the withholding from his first bonus check.
+++++++
Fruit Salad: A strawberry isn’t a berry but a banana is. Avocados and watermelon are berries, too.
+++++++
For What It’s Worth: Millennials just overtook baby boomers as the biggest age group in the country.
+++++++
Good Chemistry: Never trust an atom…they make up everything.
+++++++
Quotes from Bob Hoffman (The Ad Contrarian): "Social Media: Tens of millions of disagreeable people looking to make trouble."
"Marketers prefer precise answers that are wrong to imprecise answers that are right."
"The idea that the same consumer who was frantically clicking her TV remote to escape from advertising was going to merrily click her mouse to interact with it is going to go down as one of the great advertising delusions of all time."
"Nobody really knows what "creativity" is. Every year thousands of people take a pilgrimage to find out. This involves flying to Cannes, snorting cocaine, and having sex with smokers."
"Nobody ever got famous predicting that things would stay pretty much the same."
+++++++
Say Good Night Gracie: Most of the contestants on "The Voice" will never be that big again.
+++++++
You Know You Are Not Paying Attention: When the waitress says, "Enjoy your meal" and you reply, "You, too!"
+++++++
Say It Again Sam: An old baseball adage goes, “You never have enough pitching, even when you think you do.”
+++++++
Rhetorical Question: Are none of the colleges that appear at the NFL draft embarrassed that so many of their full scholarship “student-athletes” are unable to speak even marginally correct English?
+++++++
Tom Brady’s Jersey: Where is Inspector Clouseau when you need him.”
+++++++
Random Thought: The word "oxymoron" is actually an oxymoron.  It's the combination of two Greek words:  Oxy, meaning sharp and keen . . . and moron, meaning dull and stupid.
+++++++
Quote: From Shaquille O'Neal, when asked if he visited the Parthenon on a trip to Greece, “I can’t really remember all the clubs we went to.”
+++++++
Final Thought: You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment the cat wants to do it.
+++++++
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t, thank the teacher’s union.
If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran.
And, for everything else you have, thank God.
That is all.
As you were.